Facial Hair, Stupid TV, and Bears to end 2011

Nick's Favorite Mustaches and Facial Hair: In no coherent order are some of my favorite examples of testosterone fueled works of arts on peoples' faces from history, real life, and sports!

1.) William Howard Taft- The 27th President of these United States had a nice mustache going on.  Apparently in 1909, having giant caterpillar above your mouth was the only way to tell the rest of the world how its gonna be...("oh hey there Europe, back the f*** up, this is America!"-Taft on foreign policy)  Lets face it, he's only on here because he got stuck in a bathtub... but nice mustache anyways Mr. President.

2.) Daniel Plainview- aka Daniel Day Lewis in the super smash hit/Juan's favorite movie There Will be Blood. He states it nice and plain, "I drink your milkshake!", which I'm fairly sure is where he finds all the calories to grow that wondrous, Oscar award winning 'tache.  (Also, don't be thick with him or he'll murder you with bowling equipment...)

3.) Ambrose Burnside- He was a general for the Union army during the Civil War perhaps best known for lending his name to the facial styling known as side burns.  Besides having epic facial hair, he was an awful general, losing a couple big battles during the war, and went on to disgrace his facial hair further by becoming Governor of Rhode Island (sorry Rhode Island, it just seems like you don't need a Governor, you could prolly just run yourself (all 20 16 of you)...) and was the first president of the NRA.  Nevertheless, if I've learned anything, its that starting a new facial hair style is the best possible career choice, even if your terrible at your jobs, no one can deny your awesome side burns.

4.) Mike Commodore- Commodore is professional hockey player in the NHL, a defenseman, currently on the Red Wings (although I'm not sure how much he actually plays) but anyways, finally, a ginger made the list!  Of course hockey players had to be represented, look at that ginger beard, amazing!  Along with growing an epic playoff beard and fro, he won the Cup back in 2007 with the Carolina Hurricanes.  Hockey playoff beards are just the best.  You'll get guys who shouldn't and can't grow proper facial hair trying their best (for example Tyler Seguin) to blend in with the most manliest teammates (i.e. Chara or Timmy), and all this when its May and June, the last time of year you would rationally want a mountain man beard.

5.) Brett Keisel- Speaking of mountain man beards, this Steelers Defensive-End has the right idea.  During those cold snowy Pittsburgh winters, while other guys a freezing their faces off, he's got blanket for his chin and neck.  Well played sir, I'd like to see Tom Brady try to grow one of these puppies...

6.) Chia Hui Liu (guy from Kill Bill movie?)- One word: diversity!  Is this a real beard, prolly not, but is this guy a kung fu boss?  Yup!  If we're having a karate tournament in the garage, this guy is in charge! *Bonus points for epic eyebrows*

7.) Wyatt Earp- Don't like this mustache? Too bad, cuz he'll shoot you in the face!

8.) Ron Swanson- No explanation necessary, to do so would be un-American and would likely involve too much government.

Stupid Shit Nick Saw on TV Last Night:
1.)Toddlers & Tiara's-- Why I was watching this is indefensible, I should turn in my man card right away.  When its not  your TV you can't just take over the remote and be an ass (well you can, but then your an ass), so in between watching the Bruins (1st place in the east btw, suck it Montreal!) I witnessed the most unsightly television program ever.  This shit is scary, its a train wreck and you can't look away.  These little girls, who for the most part seem to enjoy the pageant-type setting, aren't the problem, its the parents and other crazy people who think this is a good idea.  I know its be around for a little while but seeing it for myself was just terrible.  TLC obviously found that putting these crazy people on TV means ratings, what's new?  Besides the one mom I saw that had the "I'm gonna murder people if my daughter doesn't win"-type deal going on I didn't really care.  But the worst was the 45 year old man telling me how he does his "judging" of little girls, aged 4 months-10 years old, dressed to look 3 times their age, creepiest guy I've seen in a long time.  (It's Always Sunny's Frank's Little Beauties episode anyone?) How do you even get into judging pageants as a dude? (not asking so I can do it, I promise)


2.) This Sleepy's commercial.  Watch it on mute and add my commentary, but don't actually watch it regularly because that would be the dumbest thing you could do.  Here's my frame by frame (in seconds, stupid) analysis of what this mattress will do for you:

• We'll get you prego on our mattresses! (seconds 0-3)
• Perfect for getting up in your baby's grill! (4-7)
• Great for naps with the neighborhood dog or strays (8-10)
• Awesome for misbehaving or terrorizing the babysitter by repeatedly jumping on the bed (also good for reaching ceiling fans with your face) (10-12)
• Nice for getting nail polish everywhere and talking about people behind their backs! (13-15)
• Fits most mail-order brides perfectly! (15-16)
• Amazing for waiting for the Viagra/Cialis to kick in, and then putting that Viagra/Cialis to good work! (17-22)

This Week in Bear News: This week I am purposely ignoring the news about polar bears in foreign zoo's, because that's just racists, why does no one talk about the other colored bears in foreign zoo's?  Anyways, the Walt Disney Corporation has made a grant to feed bears in the Appalachian Bear Rescue program for wayward bears in the Smoky Mountain National Park.  What they are rescued from, I don't know but I'm guessing it's not Harry from Harry and the Henderson's. I remain suspicious of what old Walt Disney is up to, as Disney's bear track record is questionable at best, with a list that includes the 2003 bear murder documentary Brother Bear and the misrepresentation of sinister bears in the 1981 horror movie The Fox and the Hound.

That's all for 2011, happy new years everybody!

A Ginger's Jewish Holiday Adventure, a terrible movie, and Solving Cat Crimes

Egg Nog and Candy Cane flavored coffees, festive lights everywhere, various tools and other Hanukkah-based betting devices strewed about the coffee table, protein powder practical jokes, and slumbering drunks on the sofa.  If these things don't seem like the holidays to you then.... well, you're just plain wrong (youcan'tsitwithus!).  With the holidays upon us I would like to take a moment to appreciate some wonderful things:

1. Books, none specifically, but books in general.  Without books we wouldn't have anything to carry around to make us look smart or brag about to stupid people, libraries would be extraneous government buildings, and there'd be no vampire/werewolf craze.
2. The ability to grow facial hair, notably a mustache if I so choose to.
3. The Bruins are kicking ass and everyone knows it.
4. You, notably for reading this nonsense.  (Note, I don't know how wonderful you actually are, but on a scale to 1-10, give yourself at least a 6, unless you're just awful, then start with a 3...)
5. Dogs, some cats, and most farm animals
6. Various kitchen appliances (blenders, soda machines, waffle makers, etc.), sippy cups, and new angry bird levels!
7. Friends, family, and B!

Nick Does Hanukkah: While the finer points of culture may not interest me, let me start out by at least pointing out that my guess for what Hanukkah is about was not "when Jesus lit candles for 8 days...".  (Also, I still would like to argue that when you fly to the west coast, flying over the north pole is not the fastest way.  Maybe if you're flying to Russia or China, but not California.)  Nonetheless I was allowed to participate in roommate Hanukkah night, even though I like to pronounce the holiday with a C, as in chanukkah.  While I refrained from live tweeting the event on the interwebs, I made no promises about keeping this festival of light to myself.  Here are some highlights from a Ginger's Jewish Holiday Adventure:

mmmm, Latki

• Despite my best efforts, my attempt at repeating the Hebrew lines when lighting the menorah definitely came out as word vomit
• Potato latkis (I don't have a clue how to spell that) and applesauce are the shit (good shit, not actual bad shit (that's gross, get your head out of the gutter))
• There is now a shake weight in our apartment, which means this year's New Years Resolution=get fantastic looking arms guns while looking ridiculous.
• I managed to win the high-stakes dreidel match and not knock over the lit menorah at the same time, I make it rain chocolate money!
• Manischewitz is an alcoholic juice box that may cause diabetes

Movie Review of the Week: MacGruber- Let me emphasize that you should only see this movie if you like laughing at movies because they're super awful or have an IQ lower than 80 (we're talking Forrest Gump level).  The way I look at it is I spent an hour and a half with Juan and some buffalo wings enduring this waterboarding of a viewing experience to be able to tell you that I'm not entirely sure how this was released to theaters or promoted by major film/distribution companies.  The SNL skits with the song and explosions and only 2 minutes long=great; feature length film=doesn't really work.  Highlights include an upper decking joke and.... that's about it?  Also, don't choose the unrated version unless you really like grunting sex scenes... None of this can take away from the fact that I still enjoy yelling MacGruber song occasionally.  Rating: No claps and two Mike Ditka's "STOP IT!"


This Week in Bear News: A Ford Mustang and a black bear played a game of chicken in Alabama the other night... the Mustang cheated and murdered the bear.  All I can say is at least the bear died American?  In other bear news, the numbers are in for bear hunting results in New Hampshire, and the number of bears "harvested" or "managed" is down 44% from previous years, meaning the bears are getting smarter, watch out New Hampshire.  These hunters went out there not to hunt bears, but to "manage" them.  The old "you can't stop them, you can only hope to contain them" tactic.  Dubiously, results were not posted of the number of hunters killed by bears (biased much liberal media?) which I estimate to be at least 25.

Bad Cat Update: On my trip to Denver in October, I met a cat named Bad Cat.  I recently was told of Bad Cat's latest exploits that I thought were worth sharing, which I will frame in hypotheticals (I apologize if I get this wrong or butcher it, I got the story through a game of telephone, literally through telephones...):

Bad Cat in her natural hiding spot

Imagine you're famished and need nourishment right away!  The only thing you have to eat are hot dogs.  You cook up said hot dogs and having no buns to eat them in, you put them in a bowl and cut them up, 4 year-old style, and douse them with ketchup.  Upon inhaling half of your cuisine, you immediately fall into a deep, hot dog induced slumber.  Later you awake to find your roommate furious with you.  Why, you may ask?  Because Bad Cat, finding you asleep, had a feast, chowing down on the delicious hot dogs, and upon needing a drink from its water mug (Bad Cat exclusively drinks water from a mug, true story), scurried around the house leaving paw imprints of ketchup everywhere.

My theory is that Bad Cat tainted the hot dogs with some type of sedative and left the paw prints in ketchup (most blood like condiment available) to intimidate the dog.  But that's just my theory, I'm no cat crime detective, I can't actually prove anything... but that's how Bad Cat planned it.

Happy Holiday's!

Holiday Seasonal Things and, of course, BEARS

It's that time of year again, public places, notably the area surrounding my office, are littered with the lights, the decorations, and the trees.  Welcome to December in Boston.  If its gonna get dark before 5 then why not just put lights up everywhere? It works for me.  Due to my fascination with lists and whatnot, here are Things that may or may not work for me during the holiday season (I'll let you guess which way I feel about them) *Disclaimer*I'm about to try to use a lot of Hebrew/Jewish words, most of which, neither I or my computer's spell check has the ability to spell correctly.  So, please no throwing of the menorahs (or shmuti's Craig!)... :

• going to the park at lunch to watch people fall on their ass while ice skating at Frog Pond
• carolers (who the f is Carol anyways?) essentially blocking off a busy city sidewalk, so I have to cross the street if I want to keep walking and not stop when its cold
• too many ugly sweater parties, not enough high stakes dreidle tournaments
• glitter glue
• glitter gluing the mail
• Harry Potter passed off a "Christmas" movie (why hasn't ABC Family produced some type of Chanukah themed Air Bud movie yet?)
• Holiday-Work parties involving breakfast meats

This week's movie review: 2012- I saw this movie on the random movie channel we get that's not cable, but not fancy premium cable (i.e.-HBO) so I didn't have much invested in watching.  This movie had two things to keep me watching, the obvious premise of an apocalypse movie where the human race gets wiped out and the subsequent special effects of said human race being wiped out.  Jesse and I spent wasted the first three-quarters on a hour betting on "_% of the population dying in the next 15 minutes of this movie" bets, until we realized this movie was developing much slower than expected and Jesse went to bed.  Alone, I was left with the dilemma of following John Cusack on his quest to survive or finding something better to watch (like Kung Fu Panda, one of the finest works of art of our generation).  I sat through multiple dramatic plane take-offs with the world blowing up behind the plane and other apocalyptic special effects (tidal waves, volcanoes, Danny Glover, earthquakes...) all because I just had to find out how the f-ing thing ends!  Well 165 minutes later, I found out, and what did I learn?-Jesse spent his time better I did.  Rating= 1/2 claps and a giggle for all the explosions and a "I've worked toooooo hard!" for everything else.

Sports Talk!: The NBA is back (cricket...cricket...).  I find myself shockingly interested in all the transactions going on, should I be embarrassed?  If lock-outs (like the NFL had last summer, and the NBA now) mean 2 weeks of free agency/trade pandemonium, I kinda like it.  I'd like to bid farewell to Big Baby, who has left the Celtics, I will miss your ability to take charges, cry on the bench, and make Bobby feel all warm inside.  I don't have a clue about making any predictions (other than the NBA having another lock-out within two decades) but let's remember, nobody tries until the playoffs anyways.  

Crazy Land Lady update:  Not to jinx anything but she is supposed to leave for London this month, which means we might be able to throw an actual house warming party soon (does 7 months late make it a house cooling party?)

This week in Bear News: A "rogue black bear" caught a ride into Vancouver on top of a garbage truck.  Great, the bears are learning how to commute, just hide in the dumpster and then pop out later in the city so you can just eat oodles of people.  (Also, good job Vancouver, why don't you just bus in some bears to bolster the Occupy movements, maybe have another riot?)

Bears, Cats, Dogs, & Holiday doings and whatnot

Hello December. Good bye outings to public places on the weekend where people aren't either crazy bargain shopping cyborgs, cattle-like herds of holiday-festive spectators, or someone #occupy-ing something.... sorry, I went to the mall this weekend and forgot that its a mad-house, but that's my fault.  But here are some other things that may or may not be my fault:

This Week in Bear News: 
The bears have aligned with Batman, so we're all screwed? (thanks Tommy for the pic)

Also, apparently (like the song "going on a bear hunt" I was taught at summer camp) the state of New Jersey actually holds a bear hunt every few years to keep the black bear population away from their competing species in the food chain, the Guido in check.  The issue here is the irrational people who have choose to protest the hunt at a bear weighing station because to them, killing bears is wrong.  The obvious solution here is the bear hunt protesters need to offer up their own children as bear food  for the winter, then the bears will be satiated for their hibernation and we don't need to hunt them (unless the bears get guns, then it'll be the Great Bear War of 1826 all over again...)


In other Bear News, the Boston Bruins have been mauling the NHL this past month.  Here's where I would break into an unrestrained and immodest description of Tim Thomas's mustache, which I will keep it to myself, for now...(coming soon: Nick's Favorite Mustaches in History) Go Bruins!


Fantasy/Drinking Game of the Week:
It's no battle shots, but over the Thanksgiving Weekend I came up with this dandy to go along with the Dog Show NBC airs on Thanksgiving Day after the parade is over.  Basically what you do is hold a draft before the show starts where everyone picks a "team" of breeds of dogs.  Each team has 6-10 dogs on it, and when the dogs show up in the broadcast you get points/drinks.  If your breed wins its group or the whole show that's even more points.  Its pretty simple but you can make up other rules to go along (Social-if the dog resembles its handler).  We DVR'ed it so we could watch at our leisure a few days later, and no, I didn't pick any winners (no thanks to the French Bulldog or Norwegian Elkhound, who left the Irish Wolfhound and Great Dane to get all my points), but watch out Westminster Dog Show, you might have a few more viewers this year!  Here's a snap shot of a part of our big board:

Nick's Movie Review(s) of the Week:

1. Cameron Crowe's documentary Pearl Jam Twenty, which was about twenty Pearl Whales... no?Nope, that's not it is it. Huh? Definitely not about whales? That makes sense, I do not recall any whales in this movie.  (Boo whale humor) Sorry, actually this was well-done documentary that was shown on the PBS about the band associated with the grunge and flannel.  Probably the most entertaining thing I've seen on PBS since I was 6.  I'm no Pearl Jam super-fan (like one of my roommates in college) but its really interesting to learn and actually see footage of the early days of the band (also when I was 6) and to see where and what they've come from.  Rating: 6 claps and 1 top-gun high five.
2. I also saw The Muppets which had a lot going on (no whales either).  Jason Segal refrained from showing his dong, the muppets actually showed up for the first time since their prime, and there were just heaps of celebrity cameos.  Ask me what the best of the movie was, and I can easily say it was the chicken-only  rendition of C-Lo's "F**k You", only in chicken clucks.  If you like the muppets or are a child who is not too school for cool, this movie is for you, otherwise its as Mark-E-Mark put it in The Departed, "Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself!" Rating: 4 claps plus a B-

Now for a new section, I'm calling: "Thank You's, You're Welcome & I'm Sorry"

• I'm sorry: stranger behind me in line at the bagel store who was not happy that I got the last sesame bagel (lock it up and just pick something else, although I would give up the bagel for a draft pick and coffee consideration?)
• Thank you: Tim Tebow for sharing your witch-magic on the football field with all of us...
• Your welcome: everyone everywhere. Since my trip to Denver during the Broncos' bye-week in October, Tebow was named the starter and is now 6-1. Coincidence? Prolly not, I did ask nicely where John Elway was so I could tell him about Tebow's miraculous powers, so yeah, I think I did this... (If other professional sports franchises are willing to fly me out, my services are available... coughIndianaPacerscough)
• I'm sorry: Optimus Prime, but I'm a Megatron guy
• Thank you (but I'm sorry I had to watch?): lesbian couple on the train during the evening commute last week who couldn't wait to get off the train to fervently make-out.  After a long day at the office, there's no better way to wind down than being trapped in an enclosed setting with a couple vigorously & aggressively trying to engulf each other's faces with their mouths.  (This goes for any couple, gay or straight, but I guess making-out on the subway next lawyers and stock traders in suits is just some people's thing? Also, remember to stretch if you're going to get after it as ardently as this couple, don't wanna pull those face muscles mid-make out session...)
• I'm sorry: crazy-eyed all white cat that wanted to play on the sidewalk at 8pm last week, but I have a policy of ignoring crazy-eyed all white cats that approach strangers while meowing alarmingly loudly when its dark and cold you might be trying to cat-murder me...
• Thank you: stupid-fucking cat (the you-tube video)!

And I will conclude with two WTF's/really?...

1. NBC, who watches the show Whitney?  I don't, I don't know anyone who admits they do, so who are these mysterious viewers?  I guess there are people who do watch, and that's alright, I don't have to like or agree with everything that everyone else likes or wastes their time doing.  But I guess I'm just bitter that Community is getting to boot to the "TV line-up bench" and Whitney still gets the "start".  At least you realized Outsourced was a piece of sh** after a few months...... but hey, you're NBC, you're allowed obligated to make terrible programming decisions.
2. BOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Madonna as Super Bowl Halftime show, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Listing Things Thursday

I realized today that I hadn't written a blog since October (been busy growing beard/mustache for movember... and I had to wash my hair?) So to catch up, today is LISTING THINGS THURSDAY!!!

Gordon Bombay, his surgeon and some paper towels?

• For Halloween I went as the Brawny Paper Towel guy, so pretty much a lumberjack type outfit, with some paper towels telling people, "clean up your shit."  I, of course, got the urge to play dress up and came very close to going as a hipster.  I could have pulled if off if Juan let me borrow his jeans (which, for the record, I definitely would've have ruined).  I was very impressed with some other peoples costumes, where I am perpetually impressed with solid arts&crafts skills, ingenuity, or effort to find a good costume in the months of July-September before all the good ones are gone.
• As referenced in one of my first blog posts, putting candy in beer is fun (I put sour patch kids in some cheap can).  I recently put skittles in a Bud Light, which turned pink and fruity, thereby instantaneously improving my bland evening into a discoteca-like atmosphere that may have scarred Juan for life.  I wouldn't recommend doing this more than once unless you are a conductor on the diabetes train.
• I attended my first Bruins game of the year, this past Tuesday evening, and boy, did we ever pick a game to go to.  After witnessing what was the B's 6th straight win, in a barn-burner (fortunately no cattle were burneded) gem that was a 4-3 win over the Devils, I can safely say the Bruins are no longer hungover from their summer with the cup.  Although there were no instances of fisticuffs (Marchand was up to his usual naughty activities...), I couldn't have asked for a better game (refreshing lack of Jersey fans, duh stupid).  The highlight of the night went to Natty for avoiding getting his legs crushed by the fat drunk guy falling down over the rows of seats at the end of the game.

Look out facebook, here comes the mother of these two fine young gentleman...

• My mother has joined the bookface!  So if you want to be judged (just kidding, she won't judge you (but she will be able to tell if you're crazy silly, and seriously, she might judge you on profile pic)), need a facepage friend from the mean streets of Habersham County Georgia, or just want to see pictures of my parents' romp around Italy, you should probably friend her... (plus, I wanted an excuse to post this picture again)
• Does anyone else think of that Gun 'N Roses song every time it rains in November? Do they get royalties from the weather? Does Kevin really need all that protein? Why can't Jesse get over Susie? Do you really need all that cream cheese? What is the deal with our crazy land lady?..... All questions I shouldn't ask...
• New favorite activity: Herding Cattle
• Thanksgiving, when the bears distract us with turkey, so they can plot against us...
• Bowling... I've discovered my scores have been well below the expected, maybe because I vary between either the "If you're not first, you're last-throw it as hard into the gutter as possible" method, or the "look how much I can make this spin" method.  Unlike Juan or Philpott, I did not take a college course for credit in this art.
• Coming (hopefully) 2012: FC Greenstorm restores a boat!
• Coming summer 2014 2017: FC Greenstorm goes fishing, attempts to recreate scene from Deep Blue Sea, gets lost at sea, gets rescued by a helicopter, and ends with Ian's extremely critical inspection of rescue helicopter's manufacturing
• Congratulations to Craig and Alrex for the new pupperoni, Toby.  I'm excited to make Michael Scott/Office quotes to your dog.
• Note to charity-type peoples on the sidewalks of Boston asking me for money: I don't really have poison ivy on my hands, I just don't want to stop and tell you I'm not giving you my moneys.

Google Machine Friday!

Happy Friday! I recently had the discussion of searching for yourself on the internet, so today I play around with the Google machine to find out what kind of wisdom lays hidden on the interwebs. So yes, I Googled murder!  Here's what I found, what I didn't find, and a few inappropriate things I picked up along the way .  These are just a few tidbits from my thorough inquisition of the Google:

• I Googled my own name.  I could not find anything pertaining to myself, but there are plenty of links to crap about The Sims video game and apparently there is a porn star whose name is dangerously close to my own (google can get real dirty on you if your head's not on a swivel!), so there's that.
• Next I Googled my roommate Jon.  I could not find any news articles about his high school track exploits, but not to worry, I learned that he has the same name as the UK's ambassador to Belgium.  One of my other roommates, Kevin, cheated and made himself appear immediately when you search him, but that's just him, internet-witch-magic and protein all day!
• I had to Google murder (mandatory!).  Besides the standard news and Wikipedia pages, I found this inspirational poster that I know some people will enjoy.

• I'm slowly realizing that searching Google images is very entertaining, but risky at the same time.
• "Prestige Worldwide" turned up the traditional Step Brothers references, but apparently there's a business in Hagerstown, Maryland with the name "Prestige Worldwide Lending" (May not be real, but I wonder if it had that name pre-Step Brothers? Free money!) . Boats 'N Hoes!

• I enjoy Google's tool where it guesses what you're searching as you type.  A personal favorite of mine was after typing "why" and adding a space the first guess was "why can't I own a Canadian?" (actually its some sort of satirical internet thingy), but good question google machine, good question indeed...
• Google helped me sort through important issues like "was Ben Franklin gay?", "how do you know you are a good kisser?", and "why kittens die".
• I've you like things that I like, four words for an image search: French Bulldog Halloween Costume. This just happened! Best two results:

I want to go to that 

Dunno why this came up in this search, but its there? Philpott, is this you?

• I'm realizing this post is quickly turning against cats, but that's ok, I thought this was AMERICA!
• Happy Halloween time people! "Pumpkin Launcher" is a fitting holiday search that celebrates the long held American right to launch festive objects high into the patriotic atmosphere!
• For my final Google, I sought how to keep the bears away during the Halloween festivities.  I found this: Bears hate pumpkins, so they smash them! So keep extra pumpkins around to distract the bears this weekend!

Get excited, tomorrow is "tend to your cow" Saturday!

On this day, you come to me...

How could you not be happy when confronted by this smile?

First things first! This past Sunday marked a special occasion, the christening of little Cory Ann.  Walter and T-Bone (ignore their nicknames, they're wonderful parents) added this nugget/cub/baby-person (I'm working on my own endearing term, no judging!) to their wolf-pack (now 5 members strong, including Charles-in-charge and the half coyote that I'm 85% sure is plotting to eat me) in August.  I was honored to be named fairy-god-father (title Walter assigned me (editors note-B also has a claim on coming up with this title)), and am eager to commence my duties of teaching her karate (in the garage or any activity space, always bow to your sensei...), watching kung-fu panda and other awesome movies, activity time (aka finger painting), and general nonsense.  All kidding aside, I look forward to being a part of Cory's future adventures. (Cory's not allowed to read my blog between the ages of 4 and 13, because let's be honest, if she can read before she's 4 then she earned it...)

Many of you (I don't know how many people read this blog machine?) were there to witness the ceremony, but it was my first time in a Lutheran church. Cory mostly slept through church, and didn't make a peep when awoken with the water (not how I react when people pour water on me when I'm sleeping).  There was a parade up the aisle, some singing, and a photo shoot at the end.  I did my best to avoid knocking over candles and look "photogenic", and "hid" behind Walter during the important parts, but all in all, it was amazing day!

"Wake up!"-Pastor

Juan's YouTube Video of the week: Iron Chef guy's secret ingredient montage! Enjoy yelling? I do!

This Week in Bear News: A bear was straight up murdered in Montana after it tried to steal an elk carcass from some hunters.  The hunters forgot their pepper spray (bears like the seasoning on their elk) so they shot the bear after it tried to steal their kill and charged them.  The news story mentions closing trails and preventing further bear-hunter altercations, but the real issue here is the hunter needing to practice its big buck hunting after one the hunters got his leg mauled because he missed the charging bear at point-blank range (the other hunter intervened (unfair fight?)).  Whats gonna happen if the bears ever bear their own arms?

Other thoughts:

• Halloween is fast approaching.  I have my costume ready and will surely discuss it in future blog posts, and I have high expectations, hopefully topping last year's big buck hunter costume, and matching my attempt at Ron Burgandy two years ago.  Hope I'm not a "mess" come Halloween (now it won't be that slutty).  I'm looking forward to carving pumpkins and maybe getting/scaring some legit trick-or-treaters for the first time.
• I want to start a prop-betting game to see when my land lady will lose her temper next, a continuous pool type deal.  Extra points for guessing how many hours it takes her to apologize.  The most recent flip-outs have been induced by a loud movie, moving chairs in the living room, and too many cars in the parking spot.
• Prolly not a good idea to think about/sing aloud "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" in the office. Just saying...
• I'm wrapping up the last few episodes of Friday Night Lights, the tv show. I wish there was more... movie in the future, please?  Question: would I actually be more excited for a FNL movie than the Arrested Development movie? Clear eyes, full hearts...chicken dance?

P.S.-Thank you various peoples/facebook for pictures to use in my blog!  You know I don't know how to use a camera!

Adventures in the Mountain time zone, searching for Tim Tebow, and one really bad cat

Recently, my roommate Jesse wrote a blog about his trip to Niagara Falls with his parents.  I also went on a trip recently, but not with his parents and not to Niagara Falls and not to play poker the whole time.  So it's definitely not the same thing, but he's inspired me to share the nonsense that was my first trip to the Mountain time zone!

Friday Night: What's the best way to prepare for a four hour flight? Sleeping pills? Finding a good movie? I actually don't know, but it definitely wasn't pitchers of PBR in the financial district after work (too many bathroom breaks!).  So the adventure began out of a raining, cool Boston to a surprisingly warm Denver.  Highlights include TV provided by JetBlue, getting picked up at the airport in a Hummer (f-you environment (it was only an H3)), and eating a cheeseburger while the people around me on the plane gawk at my eating habits skills.  If you haven't been to the Denver, when you leave the airport, you are greeted by a scary looking horse that apparently fell on its sculptor and killed him... welcome to Denver?

Saturday: B and I were out in Denver to visit on of her brothers, who has an awesome person roommate, a dog (Ky (spelling?) a Rhodesian Ridgeback-Boxer mix) , and a cat simply known as "Bad Cat" (will be explained).  Quite the baller living situation.  Bad Cat likes to play a game where it sneaks into your room and will try to play with you while you try (unsuccessfully) to sleep. She really is just a bad cat (she deliberately tried to open the shades!).  Anyways, after arriving in Denver the night before and while adjusting to 2 hour time swing, we headed north to Fort Collins (not before Bad Cat sat underneath the car for 10 minutes so we couldn't leave), where there are a great many breweries to enjoy.  We ended up touring and hanging out at New Belgium, the 3rd largest craft-brewery in the country.  This was by far the best tour I've been on (sorry prude New England breweries that don't let you do shit), even after missing the first 15 minutes of the tour.  I tried my first sour beer (not as terrible as it sounds) and had a winter seasonal that was bottled 9 minutes before we got to try it (mmm fresh).  Also ended up trying a coffee infused beer at Fort Collins Brewery at dinner.  But enough about beer (don't ask about the fish fry)... onward to the mountains!

Saturday Night: I haven't mentioned the altitude yet, but you're supposed to drink lots of water and adjust nicely so you don't lose your shit.  But not us, we went higher in altitude to go camping in the mountains.  The short hike (300 yards uphill) between the car and camp site was exhausting.  I mentioned it was nice out, so it was a great night to be up there, and we had a tent set up for us so there wasn't much roughing it.  I've never seen the stars so bright, but that what happens when you live on an east coast city.  Anyways, it was a great time, made some impromptu cocktails and B had her first shotgun, so you know its a good time!  The fire and noise kept the bears away (but I still think I could kick a coyote in the face real good).

Sunday Morning: When you wake up groggy and a little slow, whats the best remedy? GUNS!!! Being out in the mountains provided a perfect opportunity to shoot some guns (not at animals, stupid), including some pistols and a shotgun.  I have shot pistols before, but the shotgun was something new and exciting (it was awesome and hard to miss targets with).  For the second day in a row, B could say she had shotgunned for the first time (get it?).  Luckily, the sound of guns kept the bears away.

Sunday Afternoon/Night: Following our night of camping, a meal for the ravenous campers was nessecary. Welcome, Big City Burrito of Fort Collins, CO.  If you've been to Fort Collins and don't know what I'm talking about, I refuse to acknowledge you're survival because obviously you have cheated natural selection despite your utter stupidity.  This place has some of the best burritos around, along with some unique options (potato-cheese burrito B got) and crazy selection of hot sauces (now Craig...).  Our drive back to Denver afforded us time to take in the gorgeousnessality of Colorado.  The burritos kept the bears away.  We got back in time to see the end of the Patriots game (later time zones on Sunday=football heaven), and with the proximity to Invesco Sports Authority Field at Mile High (wtf is this name?) made me think of how close to Tim Tebow I could be, given the Broncos had a bye week.  That night, out in Denver (while keeping an eye out for said Mr. Tebow) I experience a new level in meat-sanity.  Here are the highlights of my trip to a Brazilian steak house:

• At least 4 types of steak
• Lamb
• Chicken heart
• some type of Yak (B's brother tried it)
• Rattlesnake sausage (keeping the snake population in check, one sausage at a time) 
• And the best thing I had.... Sweet and Sour Chicken

Monday: Monday started out with an encore performance by Bad Cat.  Here's the play-by-play of what happened:

• Bad Cat sneaks into the room during a bathroom visit and hides underneath the bed until everyone's asleep again
• BC swipes at B's toes from under the bed, followed by pouncing on the bed to play the classic Cat and Mouse game, where BC is the cat (duh, stupid) and our feet our the mice
• BC draws blood from B's toe. As I laugh at B's misfortune, (Tim Tebow telepathically instructs) BC aligns karma by clawing my leg real good
• BC is ejected off the bed
• BC stealthily climbs back into bed, but under the covers on B's side
• I spot BC's body through the covers and alert B
• B launches BC across the room
• BC, tired of the bed games, goes for the high wire act finale, climbing the curtains to the ceiling, before losing her grip, crashing to the floor, knocking over a painting and waking us up for good

The rest of Monday included some sneaky good Thai food and a trip to the famous music venue Red Rocks, which made me wish Boston had a venue like this (like BoA Pavilion but crazier and in the mountains).

Although I was never able to locate Tebow, the rest of the visit to Denver was enjoyable, puttering around the city and preparing for our return trip.  Monday Night/Tuesday was the first red-eye I've ever taken.  I went to work that next morning (boo!).  I nearly lost my mind Tuesday afternoon...Save me Tim Tebow! Save me from the witchcraft!

This week in Bear News: This feature has prompted friends to find bear news and share it with me, so thank you for the bear updates everybody.  My only concern is that all the bear stories are crime related (bear-racist liberal media?). Two stories I heard this week:

1. The jail brake by all those animals in Ohio, a bear was one of the fugitives, I dunno if was killed or anything, but it def did better than those other dumb animals that can't even cross a highway properly... (thanks channel-K for breaking this at the crack of dawn)
2. Apparently a baby bear broke into a grocery store and was found in the produce section. Obviously the bear was lost (where's the deli/meat aisle?).

Why Hello There, Colorado

What a week! First off, Top 3 Activities:

look at this waste, pick up your fucking apples!

1. Apple Picking/Wine Tasting--> This activity is highly encourage, $4 for wine tasting (aka I tried Brandy instead, stupid) then threw apples at friends in a classical New England Autumn atmosphere!  
2. Old People/Country Club Sports!--> Yup, I played both tennis and golf on the same day
3. Redbones--> This is a pretty hip BBQ place down the street from my place.  While it's no Little Richard's, it does the job.  I don't think I'm capable of saying no if anyone brings up (does that mean I have a bbq problem?).  
4. Counting is for bitches--> I am 2-0 at credit card roulette, I made Juan watch Transformers 3, and I'm going pro in Sic Bo when casinos (and happy hour?) are legalized in Massachusetts.

In preparation of my first trip to the mountain time zone (Colorado peoples!) I have consulted the wikipedia machine in order to learn of other people's mistakes from throughout history, so I can avoid their the bad stuff and stick to the good stuff when visiting the "Centennial State" (seriously? that's a terrible state nickname).

• Colonel Pike and his men were arrested by Spanish cavalrymen (1806)-->Obviously I will do my best to avoid the g.d. Spanish cavalry
• Pike's Peak Gold Rush (1858)--> This page has a title of "free gold" for one section.  I know I'm a tad late, but I like free gold!
• Reverend John Chivington as Colonel of the Colorado Volunteers massacred a bunch of Indians at Sand Creek (1864)--> I'm gonna go ahead and just avoid murder in all forms for the weekend...
• Watch out for this Bears (always!)-->duh stupid
• "Denver, Colorado is known for steak"--> But how's their milk steak?
• Colorado's state symbols include: Fossil- Stegosaurus, Mammal- Rocky Mountain Bighorn Sheep, and Folk Dance- Square Dance--> I WANT ALL THESE THINGS!
• Guy on a buffalo!!!! (part duex)--> Prolly from Colorado, right?

Hockey Talk, ya hoser!: The Bruins are officially hung-over (link has nothing to do with hockey but is awesome anyways!). If you saw the banner ceremony (a little too much, but hey, when you win one, milk it I guess) then you know that karma was gonna kick them in the face.  One of the major chit-chat topics is conflicting dynamics of preventing concussions and allowing fighting.  I think fighting serves a regulatory purpose most of the time, keeping players in check with each.  But scenes like this are gonna happen (Asham later apologized for the taunts, so he's okay my book) which shed an ugly light on fighting.  I can see wanting to prevent brawls and unnecessary violence, but please don't take Shawn Thornton's job!

This Week in Bear News: Apparently some parts of Asia have bear farms. Now apparently this does not refer to bears that are farmers as a profession (Dwight would not approve of a bear run beet farm) or a farm where bears are grown, but instead its where you keep bears in a cage and steal their bile.  The bile has actually been proven to help with gallstones, but scientists can make it without bears.  Alright Asia, keep pissing off the bears and keep them locked up in your matrix like captivity, see what happens (I see a remake of the matrix in the future, but with bears)!

YouTubing for Columbus Day and Old People at the Movies

Happy Columbus Day or as the natives who died call it the beginning of the genocide of my peoples day..... what too soon?  Anyways, I got this day off from work but I know not everybody does.  My friend Ian did work today, here's a gem he found:

VIDEO THAT MY FRIEND IAN SENT:

I highly recommend watching this not in an office or classroom, you will (might not) lose your shit.  I did (what a mess).  But I feel like this profiles the natural enemy of bears, which is of course, a guy on a buffalo.  There are other "episodes" which I recommend that include punching a cougar in the face (seriously, look it up).  So on this Columbus Day (Italian/Spanish I think), I thank my own Portuguese Columbus of YouTube, Ian, for his own remarkable discovery (did not wipe out a race of people in the process which should not be overlooked).  Someone buy the man a dirt bike already!

Nick's Movie Review of the Week & Silly things Old People do:
This week I saw Moneyball.  First off, there were no balls of money as I was promised, straight up lie.  Brad Pitt was pretty dreamy, Andy from Parks and Rec showed up in there, and the scout with the hearing aid was probably my favorite character in the movie, so there's that.  I've read the book so I appreciated it.  If you don't like baseball there's really no point in seeing it, although there's other stuff besides baseball but seriously don't waste your time if you don't want to follow a baseball story for 2 hours.

Here's where I got distracted, every time I go to this theater in Davis Square, an old peoples couple ends up sitting in the same row and they proceed to do whatever it is old people do in movie theaters (hopefully your answer isn't make-out, because, no that's not what happened...yet).  So from what I gathered from there conversation during the trailers, quote- "That's the movie we just walked out of...", they were movie hopping between different screens (it could've been entirely a confusing accidental trek where the couldn't find the exit) or were very, very lost.  The last time an old guy sat next to me, he made some regurgitating noises throughout the movie and was reminded by his wife of each character as they appeared ("remember her/him? Look at the elephant! Did you take your diabetes medicine...").  So thankfully this movie double featuring duo fell fast asleep, as far as I know where still "sleeping" as I left the theater after midnight.  They had just worn themselves out sneaking from movie to movie all day!  Ah, the elderly... CUE THE OLD PEOPLE SCOOTER RACING:

Asian Food-Hockey Fusion!!!

Yesterday there was a double date.  Shocking, I know, you probably don't even believe me.  Even more shocking, I was invited and even better, permitted to attend.  At first I thought it was where you have two dates at the same time or when you have two dates in a row and then they pay you money... but it turns out to be much less promiscuous.  Long story short, we went to an Asian-Fusion place called Meyers & Chang (same lady who has amazing bakery that has homemade pop-tarts), there was fried chicken and really hot chili's that hurt my mouth real good, and the bathroom doors had little figurines representing men and women that would trouble someone if they've never seen Asian men or women before (I figured it out though, so no, I did not walk into the ladies room, at least not by accident?).

Anyways, having been on this date, I would consider myself as knowledgeable on the dating scene.  And with the NHL season starting tomorrow, what better way to advise people on which team to date (note: I know a few people {roommates} who would love to date 24 dudes at once, but that's not what I'm getting at... too many men on the ice???) than vast generalizations and predictions that I would not encourage anyone to put any money on (if you do, and you win $5,000, please buy me a big buck hunter machine, k thanks).

Without further ado........
Nick's NHL Preview and Dating Guide to Finding the Right Team for you!

Eastern Conference:
Boston Bruins: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! They won the cup in June and they're about get back at it again.  Largely the same team (albeit I will miss Kathyrn Tappen dearly), so I expect Timmy/Tuukka and the boys to dick around a little bit but return to the playoffs for another run.
Playoff Bound?: Hell Yeah
Date this team if...: you like 6'8'' European man beasts,  the best incoherent rants on television (Jack Edwards), and you're tough as nails and are the awesomest team there ever was... (I like them)


Buffalo Sabres: Ryan Miller's team got bought by a rich dude last season, so no more penny pinching on Lake Erie. They'll be better than people give them credit for, but they're still stuck in Buffalo for a winter?
Playoff Bound?: Probs
Date this team if...: you enjoy a retro look, primitive means (swords and bison), The Office, and "New Money"

Carolina Hurricanes: Good ole red-neck hockey.  Hockey culture in the south is strange, but this team has a surprisingly strong following.  Eric Staal is a beast and if Cam Ward stands on his head this team could surprise some peoples.
Playoff Bound?: Eh, nah, give it another year
Date this team if...: you have the Bieber fever (Jeff Skinner)

Florida Panthers: Now here's a team I think is ready to turn it around.  A lot of moves bringing new faces to South Beach (old, retired people need a venue to see their teams visit close to the retirement home).

Playoff Bound?: I want to say yes, but I can't do it

Date this team if...: you like jungle/swamp cats on ice, or having your April, May, and June calendars wide open for vacation plans

Montreal Canadiens: Booooooooooooooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!
Playoff Bound?: NO! (ok, they might but won't admit it)
Date this team if...: you're french-Canadian and enjoy being the person everyone else dislikes or enjoy dialing 911/calling the waambulance

New Jersey Devils: Oh, Martin Brodeur is still around?  He's still playing? Alright then. He's a legend, but really, 39 year-old goalie? Kovalchuk's pretty good. Parise's contract is almost up.  This could be a mess
Playoff Bound?: Borderline (if Brodeur's hip doesn't shatter and Parise doesn't get traded)
Date this team if...: you have a "thing" for or are from Jersey (honestly, why else?)


New York Islanders: I saw this team play twice last year, both times, U-G-L-Y (no alibi)!  This year suspect they may improve with the young players developing but this can't end well for a team that's gonna be homeless in a few years.
Playoff Bound?: Nope
Date this team if...: you dream of the possibility of this team moving to Brooklyn and being renamed the hipsters

New York Rangers: Brad Richards, New York City. New York City, Brad Richards. Now that the formal introductions are out of the way, the Rangers can go about underachieving in their usual manner.  At least they made Sean Avery unemployed/leave the country and their coach is good at yelling!
Playoff Bound?: Yup (King Henrik!)
Date this team if...:  want to make it rain like Tom Haverford (Parks & Rec reference) or high fashion (even though Avery got the boot, have you seen Henrik's suits?)


Ottawa Senators: Nope, I'm sorry, nope. Just can't see anything nice to say here. They can consider themselves on the same level as Tony Romo, now that Carrie Fisher Underwood can consider Ottawa an ex?
Playoff Bound?: (hahahaha).......... ask me in 2014.......
Date this team if...: you want to be the one and only fan of this team not currently living in the Ottawa area.

Philadelphia Flyers: What a summer Paul Holmgren (Flyers GM, duh) had?  First he signed the best goalie he could buy.  Then blew up his front line in two separate trades.  Hell, he signed Jagr after a 3 year stint in Russia.  And for a kicker he got hit by a car when riding his bicycle.  What a summer!
Playoff Bound?: yup
Date this team if...: you hammer people! (boo the national anthem?)


Pittsburgh Penguins: Sid the Kid did too much karate in the garage this summer. But for the love of Pete can the NHL please find something else to focus on.  BOO head injuries! And, almost forgot, suck it Matt Cooke!
Playoff Bound?: Yes
Date this team if...: you enjoy a good goalie fight (yay Brent Johnson) or saw that Jim Carey movie about Penguins (cuz then you know you have an obsession with Penguins)


Tampa Bay Lightning: I also saw these guys play twice last year, they went 0-2, with an aggregate of 2-10.  Not a good representation of a solid team that made the conference finals, but expect a repeat playoff appearance.  Apparently people have started buying tickets too?
Playoff Bound?: Yup
Date this team if...: you like goals, short people, and t-shirts in February

Toronto Maple Leafs: The Ontario Teachers pension fund is apparently looking to sell, who wants to buy Phil Kessel & friends?  My second favorite moment from last year was Kessel being picked last at the All-Star game, hilarity (but he gotted a car?).
Playoff Bound?: 25% chance they make it, 106% chance their fans are

disappointed no matter what happens

Date this team if...: you like riding in the waambulance

Washington Capitals: Now here's a guy who knows his cuss words.  Brucey B has got a new goalie this year.  Last year it was a new defensive approach.  Maybe Ovechkin and his buds can remember to show up for the playoffs, so Brucey still has a job come next summer.
Playoff Bound?: They'll be there
Date this team if...: you enjoy swearing, cuss words, or any type of harsh or abrasive language (just as long as the coach doesn't get fired)

Winnipeg Thrashers Jets: Thank god they got out of Hot-lanta.  That just wasn't a hockey market.  I had been to a game in the early 2000's and no one went to those.  Now they are the ugly stepchild of the Eastern Conference (not East of much) for a year, with long flights both to and from 60% of their games, but at least they'll know what its like to play home games in front of more than a couple thousand people this year.

Playoff Bound?: Sure why not
Date this team if...: you like moving, didn't have to look a map to find where Winnipeg is, and redemption (not spelled R-O-N, Vince Vaughan)

Western Conference
Anaheim Mighty Ducks: Apparently they're distancing themselves from magic of Disney, who knew?  But Selanne is back for one last year, and as long as your goalie (Jonas Hiller) you should be fine, right?.... crap
Playoff Bound?: Just be a bill, or a webbed foot
Date this team if...: you like growing out of childish things or being dizzy

Calgary Flames: Watch out Rodeo, the Flames are vying for the biggest ticket in town.  They have the classiest player in the league as well as a ginger-goalie.  If they can keep together they could be playing into the delightful Calgary spring (yuck).

Playoff Bound?: I guess so...

Date this team if...: you like fire, classy things, and cattle

Chicago Blackhawks: Somebody goon-ed up this summer.  Chicago's going with the whole Bruins method of toughness and skill.  They have more skill than the Bruins, but also more thuggery than toughness.  Let see how this works out...
Playoff Bound?: Yes
Date this team if...: you enjoy the movie Slap Shot or are hungover right now

Colorado Avalanche: Oh Denver, so much potential, but maybe a few years from now we can talk.  Also, your goalie situation has meltdown written all over it.

Playoff Bound?: About that....not happening

Date this team if...: you like high scoring games or can't read (one team has to stand for the illiterates, right?)

Columbus Blue Jackets: If Ohio St. is having a down football year, does that mean people will care more about the Blue Jackets?  If so, can some one warn them what they are getting into?
Playoff Bound?: No
Date this team if...: you like civil war reenactments

Dallas Stars: This team lost one big time star (see Brad Richards NY RANGERS) and everyone things they'll suck this year.... they might?  Or they could take everyone by sneak attack and be decent.  I think they'll be closer to decent than awful.  Oh, and Dallas, enjoy Michael Ryder.

Playoff Bound?: It'll be close

Date this team if...: you wanna see some good hockey fights or have square danced in the past 7 years

Detroit Red Wings: They're always getting older, but always good every year.  Clint Eastwood of hockey? Hope they don't get Grand Torino-ed this year?
Playoff Bound?: Yuppers
Date this team if...: you buy everything American except for your defense men or refuse to give up the thought that Kid Rock isn't a talented artist

Edmonton Oilers: Here are the lovable losers of the league.  A group of youngsters, ragtaggers, or crafty veterans trying to put together a run at this thing.  Did I mention their goalie was in prison for DUI this summer?  Why isn't this a movie yet?

Playoff Bound?: Only in the theatrical version

Date this team if...: you're on a prison league hockey team, or like 'em young

Los Angeles Kings: Woot woot, I'm jumping on the Kings' train/bandwagon.  Mike Richards, Drew Doughty, Jonathan Quick, Anze Kopitar.  I could yell names all day!
Playoff Bound?: Yup!
Date this team if...: you want to see the celebrities that need to be seen but don't have Lakers games to go to this year

Minnesota Wild: I saw these guys last year and they beat the Bruins at their own style (2-1 loss).  I kinda like their colors and they have a solid following.  That being said, I don't think they have a complete team ready to compete in the West.

Playoff Bound?: Sorry
Date this team if...: you like the name Cal Clutterbuck, or don't want to follow the Vikings all winter

Nashville Predators: They've had the same coach for the entire 14 years of the franchise.  That's shocking to me.  Anyways, they keep plugging with no-name offenses and the best defense around.

Playoff Bound?: I think they can grab the 8 seed, if they don't end up trading Shea Weber

Date this team if...: you want to see defensive hockey or if you just adore Carrie Underwood

Phoenix Coyotes: Who's the genius that thought desert hockey would be a good idea.  They take the mantle of team that needs to move next from Atlanta, and its not pretty when you've let just about every established player walk in free agency.
Playoff Bound?: Nope
Date this team if...: you enjoy empty buildings, dicey financial situations, and waffles (actually just don't)

San Jose Sharks: Like every recent season, the Sharks are supposed to be boss.  They usually are but don't make it all the way.  I wonder if Joe Thornton is bothered that the Bruins won the cup before him?

Playoff Bound?: Don't they always?

Date this team if...: you like computers, wine, teal uni's, and entertaining hockey

St. Louis Blues: Little known fact, my favorite player is a Blue.  Good old Vladimir Sobotka.  As for the rest of the team, they have potential.  They trade raped Colorado last year, so they got that going for them.  But their division is the best in the league so good luck with that.
Playoff Bound?: Missed it by that much
Date this team if...: your mom says you're a catch

Vancouver Canucks: Last but not least, the chokers runners-up of last year's finals.  A highly skilled bunch, with a pension for shinnanigans, I look for the Canucks to start a riot in the western conference.... What, too soon?

Playoff Bound?: Barnstorm! (that means yes)
Date this team if...: you enjoy civil unrest, twins, or pumping tires