Asian Food-Hockey Fusion!!!

Yesterday there was a double date.  Shocking, I know, you probably don't even believe me.  Even more shocking, I was invited and even better, permitted to attend.  At first I thought it was where you have two dates at the same time or when you have two dates in a row and then they pay you money... but it turns out to be much less promiscuous.  Long story short, we went to an Asian-Fusion place called Meyers & Chang (same lady who has amazing bakery that has homemade pop-tarts), there was fried chicken and really hot chili's that hurt my mouth real good, and the bathroom doors had little figurines representing men and women that would trouble someone if they've never seen Asian men or women before (I figured it out though, so no, I did not walk into the ladies room, at least not by accident?).

Anyways, having been on this date, I would consider myself as knowledgeable on the dating scene.  And with the NHL season starting tomorrow, what better way to advise people on which team to date (note: I know a few people {roommates} who would love to date 24 dudes at once, but that's not what I'm getting at... too many men on the ice???) than vast generalizations and predictions that I would not encourage anyone to put any money on (if you do, and you win $5,000, please buy me a big buck hunter machine, k thanks).

Without further ado........
Nick's NHL Preview and Dating Guide to Finding the Right Team for you!

Eastern Conference:
Boston Bruins: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! They won the cup in June and they're about get back at it again.  Largely the same team (albeit I will miss Kathyrn Tappen dearly), so I expect Timmy/Tuukka and the boys to dick around a little bit but return to the playoffs for another run.
Playoff Bound?: Hell Yeah
Date this team if...: you like 6'8'' European man beasts,  the best incoherent rants on television (Jack Edwards), and you're tough as nails and are the awesomest team there ever was... (I like them)


Buffalo Sabres: Ryan Miller's team got bought by a rich dude last season, so no more penny pinching on Lake Erie. They'll be better than people give them credit for, but they're still stuck in Buffalo for a winter?
Playoff Bound?: Probs
Date this team if...: you enjoy a retro look, primitive means (swords and bison), The Office, and "New Money"

Carolina Hurricanes: Good ole red-neck hockey.  Hockey culture in the south is strange, but this team has a surprisingly strong following.  Eric Staal is a beast and if Cam Ward stands on his head this team could surprise some peoples.
Playoff Bound?: Eh, nah, give it another year
Date this team if...: you have the Bieber fever (Jeff Skinner)

Florida Panthers: Now here's a team I think is ready to turn it around.  A lot of moves bringing new faces to South Beach (old, retired people need a venue to see their teams visit close to the retirement home).

Playoff Bound?: I want to say yes, but I can't do it

Date this team if...: you like jungle/swamp cats on ice, or having your April, May, and June calendars wide open for vacation plans

Montreal Canadiens: Booooooooooooooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!
Playoff Bound?: NO! (ok, they might but won't admit it)
Date this team if...: you're french-Canadian and enjoy being the person everyone else dislikes or enjoy dialing 911/calling the waambulance

New Jersey Devils: Oh, Martin Brodeur is still around?  He's still playing? Alright then. He's a legend, but really, 39 year-old goalie? Kovalchuk's pretty good. Parise's contract is almost up.  This could be a mess
Playoff Bound?: Borderline (if Brodeur's hip doesn't shatter and Parise doesn't get traded)
Date this team if...: you have a "thing" for or are from Jersey (honestly, why else?)


New York Islanders: I saw this team play twice last year, both times, U-G-L-Y (no alibi)!  This year suspect they may improve with the young players developing but this can't end well for a team that's gonna be homeless in a few years.
Playoff Bound?: Nope
Date this team if...: you dream of the possibility of this team moving to Brooklyn and being renamed the hipsters

New York Rangers: Brad Richards, New York City. New York City, Brad Richards. Now that the formal introductions are out of the way, the Rangers can go about underachieving in their usual manner.  At least they made Sean Avery unemployed/leave the country and their coach is good at yelling!
Playoff Bound?: Yup (King Henrik!)
Date this team if...:  want to make it rain like Tom Haverford (Parks & Rec reference) or high fashion (even though Avery got the boot, have you seen Henrik's suits?)


Ottawa Senators: Nope, I'm sorry, nope. Just can't see anything nice to say here. They can consider themselves on the same level as Tony Romo, now that Carrie Fisher Underwood can consider Ottawa an ex?
Playoff Bound?: (hahahaha).......... ask me in 2014.......
Date this team if...: you want to be the one and only fan of this team not currently living in the Ottawa area.

Philadelphia Flyers: What a summer Paul Holmgren (Flyers GM, duh) had?  First he signed the best goalie he could buy.  Then blew up his front line in two separate trades.  Hell, he signed Jagr after a 3 year stint in Russia.  And for a kicker he got hit by a car when riding his bicycle.  What a summer!
Playoff Bound?: yup
Date this team if...: you hammer people! (boo the national anthem?)


Pittsburgh Penguins: Sid the Kid did too much karate in the garage this summer. But for the love of Pete can the NHL please find something else to focus on.  BOO head injuries! And, almost forgot, suck it Matt Cooke!
Playoff Bound?: Yes
Date this team if...: you enjoy a good goalie fight (yay Brent Johnson) or saw that Jim Carey movie about Penguins (cuz then you know you have an obsession with Penguins)


Tampa Bay Lightning: I also saw these guys play twice last year, they went 0-2, with an aggregate of 2-10.  Not a good representation of a solid team that made the conference finals, but expect a repeat playoff appearance.  Apparently people have started buying tickets too?
Playoff Bound?: Yup
Date this team if...: you like goals, short people, and t-shirts in February

Toronto Maple Leafs: The Ontario Teachers pension fund is apparently looking to sell, who wants to buy Phil Kessel & friends?  My second favorite moment from last year was Kessel being picked last at the All-Star game, hilarity (but he gotted a car?).
Playoff Bound?: 25% chance they make it, 106% chance their fans are

disappointed no matter what happens

Date this team if...: you like riding in the waambulance

Washington Capitals: Now here's a guy who knows his cuss words.  Brucey B has got a new goalie this year.  Last year it was a new defensive approach.  Maybe Ovechkin and his buds can remember to show up for the playoffs, so Brucey still has a job come next summer.
Playoff Bound?: They'll be there
Date this team if...: you enjoy swearing, cuss words, or any type of harsh or abrasive language (just as long as the coach doesn't get fired)

Winnipeg Thrashers Jets: Thank god they got out of Hot-lanta.  That just wasn't a hockey market.  I had been to a game in the early 2000's and no one went to those.  Now they are the ugly stepchild of the Eastern Conference (not East of much) for a year, with long flights both to and from 60% of their games, but at least they'll know what its like to play home games in front of more than a couple thousand people this year.

Playoff Bound?: Sure why not
Date this team if...: you like moving, didn't have to look a map to find where Winnipeg is, and redemption (not spelled R-O-N, Vince Vaughan)

Western Conference
Anaheim Mighty Ducks: Apparently they're distancing themselves from magic of Disney, who knew?  But Selanne is back for one last year, and as long as your goalie (Jonas Hiller) you should be fine, right?.... crap
Playoff Bound?: Just be a bill, or a webbed foot
Date this team if...: you like growing out of childish things or being dizzy

Calgary Flames: Watch out Rodeo, the Flames are vying for the biggest ticket in town.  They have the classiest player in the league as well as a ginger-goalie.  If they can keep together they could be playing into the delightful Calgary spring (yuck).

Playoff Bound?: I guess so...

Date this team if...: you like fire, classy things, and cattle

Chicago Blackhawks: Somebody goon-ed up this summer.  Chicago's going with the whole Bruins method of toughness and skill.  They have more skill than the Bruins, but also more thuggery than toughness.  Let see how this works out...
Playoff Bound?: Yes
Date this team if...: you enjoy the movie Slap Shot or are hungover right now

Colorado Avalanche: Oh Denver, so much potential, but maybe a few years from now we can talk.  Also, your goalie situation has meltdown written all over it.

Playoff Bound?: About that....not happening

Date this team if...: you like high scoring games or can't read (one team has to stand for the illiterates, right?)

Columbus Blue Jackets: If Ohio St. is having a down football year, does that mean people will care more about the Blue Jackets?  If so, can some one warn them what they are getting into?
Playoff Bound?: No
Date this team if...: you like civil war reenactments

Dallas Stars: This team lost one big time star (see Brad Richards NY RANGERS) and everyone things they'll suck this year.... they might?  Or they could take everyone by sneak attack and be decent.  I think they'll be closer to decent than awful.  Oh, and Dallas, enjoy Michael Ryder.

Playoff Bound?: It'll be close

Date this team if...: you wanna see some good hockey fights or have square danced in the past 7 years

Detroit Red Wings: They're always getting older, but always good every year.  Clint Eastwood of hockey? Hope they don't get Grand Torino-ed this year?
Playoff Bound?: Yuppers
Date this team if...: you buy everything American except for your defense men or refuse to give up the thought that Kid Rock isn't a talented artist

Edmonton Oilers: Here are the lovable losers of the league.  A group of youngsters, ragtaggers, or crafty veterans trying to put together a run at this thing.  Did I mention their goalie was in prison for DUI this summer?  Why isn't this a movie yet?

Playoff Bound?: Only in the theatrical version

Date this team if...: you're on a prison league hockey team, or like 'em young

Los Angeles Kings: Woot woot, I'm jumping on the Kings' train/bandwagon.  Mike Richards, Drew Doughty, Jonathan Quick, Anze Kopitar.  I could yell names all day!
Playoff Bound?: Yup!
Date this team if...: you want to see the celebrities that need to be seen but don't have Lakers games to go to this year

Minnesota Wild: I saw these guys last year and they beat the Bruins at their own style (2-1 loss).  I kinda like their colors and they have a solid following.  That being said, I don't think they have a complete team ready to compete in the West.

Playoff Bound?: Sorry
Date this team if...: you like the name Cal Clutterbuck, or don't want to follow the Vikings all winter

Nashville Predators: They've had the same coach for the entire 14 years of the franchise.  That's shocking to me.  Anyways, they keep plugging with no-name offenses and the best defense around.

Playoff Bound?: I think they can grab the 8 seed, if they don't end up trading Shea Weber

Date this team if...: you want to see defensive hockey or if you just adore Carrie Underwood

Phoenix Coyotes: Who's the genius that thought desert hockey would be a good idea.  They take the mantle of team that needs to move next from Atlanta, and its not pretty when you've let just about every established player walk in free agency.
Playoff Bound?: Nope
Date this team if...: you enjoy empty buildings, dicey financial situations, and waffles (actually just don't)

San Jose Sharks: Like every recent season, the Sharks are supposed to be boss.  They usually are but don't make it all the way.  I wonder if Joe Thornton is bothered that the Bruins won the cup before him?

Playoff Bound?: Don't they always?

Date this team if...: you like computers, wine, teal uni's, and entertaining hockey

St. Louis Blues: Little known fact, my favorite player is a Blue.  Good old Vladimir Sobotka.  As for the rest of the team, they have potential.  They trade raped Colorado last year, so they got that going for them.  But their division is the best in the league so good luck with that.
Playoff Bound?: Missed it by that much
Date this team if...: your mom says you're a catch

Vancouver Canucks: Last but not least, the chokers runners-up of last year's finals.  A highly skilled bunch, with a pension for shinnanigans, I look for the Canucks to start a riot in the western conference.... What, too soon?

Playoff Bound?: Barnstorm! (that means yes)
Date this team if...: you enjoy civil unrest, twins, or pumping tires