Nick's Favorite Mustaches and Facial Hair: In no coherent order are some of my favorite examples of testosterone fueled works of arts on peoples' faces from history, real life, and sports!
1.) William Howard Taft- The 27th President of these United States had a nice mustache going on. Apparently in 1909, having giant caterpillar above your mouth was the only way to tell the rest of the world how its gonna be...("oh hey there Europe, back the f*** up, this is America!"-Taft on foreign policy) Lets face it, he's only on here because he got stuck in a bathtub... but nice mustache anyways Mr. President.
2.) Daniel Plainview- aka Daniel Day Lewis in the super smash hit/Juan's favorite movieThere Will be Blood. He states it nice and plain, "I drink your milkshake!", which I'm fairly sure is where he finds all the calories to grow that wondrous, Oscar award winning 'tache. (Also, don't be thick with him or he'll murder you with bowling equipment...)
3.) Ambrose Burnside- He was a general for the Union army during the Civil War perhaps best known for lending his name to the facial styling known as side burns. Besides having epic facial hair, he was an awful general, losing a couple big battles during the war, and went on to disgrace his facial hair further by becoming Governor of Rhode Island (sorry Rhode Island, it just seems like you don't need a Governor, you could prolly just run yourself (all 20 16 of you)...) and was the first president of the NRA. Nevertheless, if I've learned anything, its that starting a new facial hair style is the best possible career choice, even if your terrible at your jobs, no one can deny your awesome side burns.
4.) Mike Commodore- Commodore is professional hockey player in the NHL, a defenseman, currently on the Red Wings (although I'm not sure how much he actually plays) but anyways, finally, a ginger made the list! Of course hockey players had to be represented, look at that ginger beard, amazing! Along with growing an epic playoff beard and fro, he won the Cup back in 2007 with the Carolina Hurricanes. Hockey playoff beards are just the best. You'll get guys who shouldn't and can't grow proper facial hair trying their best (for example Tyler Seguin) to blend in with the most manliest teammates (i.e. Chara or Timmy), and all this when its May and June, the last time of year you would rationally want a mountain man beard.
5.) Brett Keisel- Speaking of mountain man beards, this Steelers Defensive-End has the right idea. During those cold snowy Pittsburgh winters, while other guys a freezing their faces off, he's got blanket for his chin and neck. Well played sir, I'd like to see Tom Brady try to grow one of these puppies...
6.) Chia Hui Liu (guy from Kill Bill movie?)- One word: diversity! Is this a real beard, prolly not, but is this guy a kung fu boss? Yup! If we're having a karate tournament in the garage, this guy is in charge! *Bonus points for epic eyebrows*
7.) Wyatt Earp- Don't like this mustache? Too bad, cuz he'll shoot you in the face!
8.) Ron Swanson- No explanation necessary, to do so would be un-American and would likely involve too much government.
Stupid Shit Nick Saw on TV Last Night:
1.)Toddlers & Tiara's-- Why I was watching this is indefensible, I should turn in my man card right away. When its not your TV you can't just take over the remote and be an ass (well you can, but then your an ass), so in between watching the Bruins (1st place in the east btw, suck it Montreal!) I witnessed the most unsightly television program ever. This shit is scary, its a train wreck and you can't look away. These little girls, who for the most part seem to enjoy the pageant-type setting, aren't the problem, its the parents and other crazy people who think this is a good idea. I know its be around for a little while but seeing it for myself was just terrible. TLC obviously found that putting these crazy people on TV means ratings, what's new? Besides the one mom I saw that had the "I'm gonna murder people if my daughter doesn't win"-type deal going on I didn't really care. But the worst was the 45 year old man telling me how he does his "judging" of little girls, aged 4 months-10 years old, dressed to look 3 times their age, creepiest guy I've seen in a long time. (It's Always Sunny's Frank's Little Beauties episode anyone?) How do you even get into judging pageants as a dude? (not asking so I can do it, I promise)
2.) This Sleepy's commercial. Watch it on mute and add my commentary, but don't actually watch it regularly because that would be the dumbest thing you could do. Here's my frame by frame (in seconds, stupid) analysis of what this mattress will do for you:
We'll get you prego on our mattresses! (seconds 0-3)
Perfect for getting up in your baby's grill! (4-7)
Great for naps with the neighborhood dog or strays (8-10)
Awesome for misbehaving or terrorizing the babysitter by repeatedly jumping on the bed (also good for reaching ceiling fans with your face) (10-12)
Nice for getting nail polish everywhere and talking about people behind their backs! (13-15)
Fits most mail-order brides perfectly! (15-16)
Amazing for waiting for the Viagra/Cialis to kick in, and then putting that Viagra/Cialis to good work! (17-22)
This Week in Bear News: This week I am purposely ignoring the news about polar bears in foreign zoo's, because that's just racists, why does no one talk about the other colored bears in foreign zoo's? Anyways, the Walt Disney Corporation has made a grant to feed bears in the Appalachian Bear Rescue program for wayward bears in the Smoky Mountain National Park. What they are rescued from, I don't know but I'm guessing it's not Harry from Harry and the Henderson's. I remain suspicious of what old Walt Disney is up to, as Disney's bear track record is questionable at best, with a list that includes the 2003 bear murder documentaryBrother Bear and the misrepresentation of sinister bears in the 1981 horror movie The Fox and the Hound.
No comments:
Post a Comment