The Best Attack Ad and Other Political Thoughts!

Tomorrow is the big day, where Americans flex their democratic muscles, express their political will, and really show the rest of the world how to be awesome.    The important issues and candidates have ground into every American's mind with the subtlety of that basset hound in my neighborhood on a 6 AM stroll past my building who has found a squirrel in his path.  Unless you really pay attention you may need assistance making important choices and exercising your American rights.  Even I need to take time to ponder the important differences between candidates and issues and the longstanding repercussions of my choices... like the three proposition votes in MA are all jumbled in my mind, but I just break them down into simple questions of: 1.) Can I fix my own car, 2.) can I smoke marijuana if I get glaucoma from fixing my car, and 3.) if the glaucoma gets bad enough can a doctor help kill me even if I fixed my car all wrong?  Sometimes voting for something you care about is the only way to really make the right choice...

If there's one thing America does well with elections, its mudslinging!  Back in the good ole days you could make up whatever you wanted about your opponent and just demoralize their chances.  Good attack ads are great but you need to get mud in your own eyes to know how it feels like, so I've written an attack against myself, that way if I ever run for anything, like Mayor of Waffletown, I'll be use to the harsh realities of political combat of slander and petty verbal abuse!  So I present to you, as interpreted through a selection of photos from my Facebook page (thank you people with cameras who take pictures of me occasionally), The Best Attack Ad You Will See EVER!: 

Nick Sims is running for the Mayor of Waffletown, but does he really know what's best for the future of Waffletown?

Nick claims to be literate, but has hard time reading books without pictures and rarely can control the volume of his voice...

Nick supports turning Waffletown's syrup reserve into a water-slide and will, almost definitely, talk loudly during you're back swing! 

A registered Bear Party member, his voting record indicates he defends the right to bear arms and arm bears...

...and there's a 62% he's afraid of the dark!

Nick never voted in High School, not even once!  Instead he gave all his votes to his fellow Bear Party members...

... and spent the rest of his time trying to lick ladies in their faces!

Despite claims to the contrary, he can't even pull off a bow tie look, is that the kind of leadership Waffletown deserves?

He claims to be a good skier, but he's only been twice and cried a little both times.

Look how hard he has to concentrate while trying to dance... not right for the dance floor, not right for Waffletown!

Nick has a public record of picking up dogs and using them as puppets...

...and likes to light sticks on fire to poke cameramen...

... but has avoided convictions on both counts due to fantastic color coordination in his wardrobe.

His gambling addiction will cost Waffletown hundreds of waffle irons and countless shortages in toppings!

So come election day, think: Do you want someone with an unnatural fascination with dressing as a curious monkey and hugging sea captains in charge of Waffletown's future?

Nick Sims, too much batter for this Waffletown!
This ad was paid for by Waffletonians against Gingers...

Other Somewhat Political Thoughts:

• What are those people standing on street corners with signs hoping to accomplish?  Do they simply wish to remind us who is running?  I'm sure there are better methods besides spending 3 hours attempting to provoke support through honking.  Are they trying to peer pressure me?   Do they get paid to stand there like those guys who spin and toss signs in front of retail stores? Does that mean I should I go wait in line at an Apple Store for an iPhone? I think I need an adult...
• All the talk about tax issues made me think about how if you don't pay taxes for long enough and you're really good at it, you can get the suckers who do pay taxes to send you to a minimalist resort for a few years, aka taxes funding the prison you'll get to stay at.  Suck it law abiding citizens!
• Outside work today I saw a panhandler with a sign that threatened "Give me $1 or I'll vote for Romney tomorrow..."  Very clever way to needle some Bostonians, and I think he deserves the dollar, but if I had to guess, I don't think he's gonna vote at all tomorrow.

Throughout the lead up to the election, the TV ads and political discourse has been gearing up to a healthy climax of the campaigns on the first Tuesday in November.  Whose gonna win, the Denver Broncos-Obamas or the New Morman Mets?  Despite Sandy's best efforts to alleviate everyone on the east coast's overdose of politics, I have a feeling that most people will be relieved to be rid of this donkey and elephant race on Wednesday.  Seriously, who would win in a race a donkey or an elephant? The truth is it depends on the course... is there water or mountainous regions?  How old are the animals?  Is there drug tests or is doping allowed?  Sometimes you never can tell...