Olympic Correspondent Royer- Olympic Review Day 1-3

While I was off melting in NC and definitely not crying while attending my first real wedding this past weekend, Olympic Correspondent Royer was vigilantly stuck to his couch in his American Flag tank top, vigorously and thoroughly inebriated off the Olympic Fever that has spread across the Atlantic from London.  Lucky for you all, Royer's Olympic Fever broke long enough to recap the opening ceremony and the first 3 days of competitions, while also giving us a look ahead to the next few days of swimming, shooting, sword fights, tumbles, flips, reach arounds, paddling, rowing, pinging, ponging, and anything else you could think of that may deserve precious medals.  So take your vitamins, remember to hydrate, and get ready for a big dose of 'MERICA! because Royer's fever is contagious!

First days of Competition

Since this is the first weekend of Olympic Competition I am making a list of Firsts that happened over the past three days. I am also going to assume ya’ll don’t live under a rock so I am regularly going to skip some of the bigger stories. You don’t need to hear me talk about Jordan Wieber crying for a while or Phelps getting fourth. That shit is everywhere. This is an advanced blog and I plan on giving ya’ll a more in-depth look. Buckle your seat belts.

First Time I seriously considered if an army of Mary Poppins could defeat Voldemort.

Do I think it would be an interesting fight? Yes. Do I think the Marys could win? Yes I do. In the long run their sheer numbers could wear him down. They aren't afraid of shit. Do I think it was weird as fuck? Definitely. Overall I think the opening ceremonies got a little funky after the first hour. The beginning was slow at first but really started growing on me. The pastoral scenes with Maypole, smoke stacks, men in muttonchops everywhere & a forged ring were very British. The children in beds, teens texting & house party scenes just didn't do it for me. They finished strong with the cauldron lighting by a group of teens fooling everyone that was speculating on what famous person would light it. So overall I give London a B for opening ceremonies. I’m going to forget the awkward love story and glow in the dark beds by the weekend so no real harm done.

First time Japan medaled in the women’s team archery event

This was one of those random events that I instantly got into. Team archery is fun to watch because while you think archery is a very individualized sport the format pits team against team in a face paced and suspenseful way. Japan had an athlete named Miki Kanie pronounced Connie. With the goofy bucket hat and Velma glasses how could you not instantly want her to win? I was rooting for Japan until I saw Ksenia Perova. She can do archery and probably break some faces. She would have kicked the shit of out Katniss. It came down to the last arrow from Russia. Ksenia needed a 10 but she only got an 8. Congratulations Japan.

First time I didn’t find women’s beach volleyball sexy.

I understand it is chilly when they play at night. But the fake sports bra over the t-shirt reminds me of a water park. Step it up London. But on a more serious note all the US beach volleyball teams are doing great. Misty & Kerri still haven’t lost a set. They are not as dominant but still know how to handle the pressure and kick some ass when they are tied at 18.

First time a woman in the 53kg category lifted 131kg in the clean and jerk.

Zulfiya Chinshanlo is a teen prodigy from Kazakhstan and lifted 288 pounds. That is like lifting a fat jaguar above your head. Insane. I watched this competition at work. Unfortunately streaming weightlifting doesn't have commentary so I had no clue what was happening but still impressive. But on a bigger note have you noticed a lot of Kazakhstan athletes & teams these games? They already have two golds which ties their gold haul from Beijing and it is only day 4 (the other was men’s road race). They might have just joined my countries to permanently cheer for list.

First time anyone alive has seen Great Britain win a team gymnastics medal.

Once large mistakes started spreading through the United States performances like disease in the movie Contagion I started cheering for the home squad of Great Britain. They have a ginger, sasquatch junior & someone with one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen. Eclectic bunch but the royal family was out and home soil always makes some miracles happen. When Japanese superstar Kohei Uchimura basically fell off the Pommel Horse we all thought GB had won the silver. Next thing you know a Japanese coach is waving a wad of money in the judges faces and suddenly they have the silver medal and Ukraine has nothing. I know the payment is part of the rules but I thought this was one of the most Un-Olympic things I've seen so far. I don’t know who to blame but I applaud the British spectators for booing. Those silver & bronze medals are tainted and someone should have to take care of the ravens for a while as punishment.

Gold Medals are happening all the time so here is a fast & furious rundown of things to watch and my predictions:

Tuesday

Women’s 200m IM

China’s Ye Shiwen beasted the 400 IM and would have beat Lochte in the last 50 free. Watch out for another gold and freakishly fast performance.

Men’s Skeet

US’s Vincent Hancock & Norway’s Toe Brovold are the favorites both holding a 125 record. We already have the women’s gold medalist. Royer’s Prediction: Gold-USA Silver-Norway

Women’s Gymanstics Team Final

Hopefully the choking disease the US men got didn’t transfer to the women. I’m looking at John Horton specifically, he looks handsy.

Wednesday

Women’s Singles Table Tennis

China is looking to go 1-2, like always.

Men’s Gymnastics All-Around

Can the men shake off the team final? Can Danell hide under his towel any longer to make things go away? Royer’s Prediction: Danell takes bronze.

Women’s Sabre

USA Flag bearer goes for her third gold.

Mens & Women’s Cycling Time Trials

America needs some redemption after the road race event. Taylor Phinney looked pissed and I think both teams are fired up.

Royer’s Prediction: Between men & women we walk away with 2 medals.

Men’s K-1

USA kind of sucks at the white-water canoe & kayak but still fun to watch. Royer’s prediction: Poland's Mateusz Polaczyk takes gold.

Thursday

Men’s 200 IM

Phelps v Lochte round 2.

Mens 200m backstroke

Lochte has been great but not legendary so far. I think this will be his come back.

Rowing Women’s 8

US women have been dominant. Royer’s Prediction: Golden Perfection for USA.

Women’s gymnastics All Around

I think tonight’s team will have some impact. Royer’s Prediction: Bronze for local favorite Ali Raisman.

Women’s Team Foil

Italy swept the individual. If they don’t win they are getting a prime location on the upset page of the scrapbook.

Royer’s Prediction Scorecard

Correct: 3

In the ballpark but still wrong: 2

Not even close: 1

Until Next Time here is an album courtesy of NBC Olympics of women’s beach volleyball players in bikinis and a few close-up booty shots to counter-act the water park chic trend of these games: http://www.nbcolympics.com/photos/beach-volleyball/the-women-of-beach-volleyball.html

Nick's quick Olympic rant of the day: 

My beef with the IOC comes from the deplorable state of the Olympic Equestrian events.  All we hear about is the granddaughter of the queen, 14th in line to the throne, bumming a ride around on some poor horse who's doing all the work, jumping over shit.  Or Mitt Romney's wife owning one of the horses, essentially blazing a campaign trail all over the poor animals's moment of competitive glory.  Well, I believe the IOC is out of focus, can we please remember who the real athletes are? When the medals are handed out, who gets the medals?  The hard working horse who did all the work or the freeloader who showed up dressed like they were headed to a dinner party with the Duke of York?  What size are the medals?  Hello, Olympics, can we please get some properly sized medals for the horses! So what if most medal winning horses will end up bartering their newly won medals for 3 tons of oats, 40 bushels of apples, and a retreat to the luxury mating farm in the Hampton's, that's their hard work, they earned it!  Instead the lazy freeloaders from the prep schools get all the accolades, while the horses are left in their stalls, bereft of proper amenities fitting world class athletes.  Give the horses their dignity back!