Olympic Correspondent Royer: Olympic Preview Part 1

Olympic Correspondent Royer is back again this week to get you all pumped for the Olympics, which start a week from today.  Enjoy!

Olympic Preview Part 1

Olympic Correspondent Royer back on the case. We are almost a week away from the Opening Ceremonies and the US women’s football team takes the field next Wednesday against France (BOOO) for some preliminary pool play. SO EXCITING. For this preview I’m going to discuss a shortlist of things you should look out for during the games. (Next week expect a more athlete & sport focused preview).

Weird Mascots-I googled Olympic mascots and here are the results:

There are some recognizable animals in the mix like platypus, bear, rabbit & sasquatch. But the Chinese Power Ranger Bears, Izzy from Atlanta & Gumby blockheads from Torin get one of these from me: 

London is keeping a solid tradition of absurd mascots. The wikimachine told me they are supposed to be drops of steel or something. Their pear shaped bods and single eye remind me of a level one video game bad guy that help you learn the controls like jump and fireball. What I love most about mascots like Cyclops 1 & 2 are the bar conversations that arise over what they remind you of. So starting thinking of weird things you can shout out when that inevitable conversation starts. Olympics!

Stupid Controversies-I couldn’t call myself an Olympic Correspondent if I didn’t address the first of what will be many stupid controversies that ruffle some feathers until world records start getting broken. Yes it is unfortunate that Polo had the outfits made in China. But Dear Politicians, you can’t say jackshit. The US Olympic Committee is funded privately and not by the state of Nevada (I donated a stitch to help our team, did you? https://raiseourflag.teamusa.org/Content/index.aspx). The uniforms for the Opening Ceremonies look great. Super Classy and Super American and I am damn proud of Polo being our team’s sponsor. 

On a different popular story regarding poon-goss in the Olympic Village: Drop down and get your Eagle On Gurlz & Boyz.

Non American Sports- Things I didn’t learn in gym class but love watching include team handball, judo, competitive weightlifting, water polo & archery. These athletes get some attention once every four years and I like to give them some loving. I don’t know the rules of handball. 

Have no clue about scoring or the competition format in archery. Don’t understand the difference between defense and molestation in water polo but it does not matter. Pick a new sport that you have never seen. The commentators usually do a decent job of explaining the basics and pick some random to cheer on. Even if they grew up on the other side of the planet they probably waded up a creek with friends growing up just like you. Show someone random some loving and get over-excited about a sport you couldn’t explain even though you are jumping up and down that your person won.

Opening Ceremonies-The Chinese opening ceremonies were ridiculous. If you haven’t watched them you should be deported from the planet, no exceptions. 

How will London follow with a severely smaller budget? No clue and I honestly don’t like to think about it because it will reduce my wonder factor on July 27^th. The lighting of the Olympic torch is a hot topic and I want to see the queen pull a Katniss and fire an arrow through a flame held by Kate into the torch. We will need some excitement after the parade of nations and I think that could do the trick. The opening ceremonies are my Superbowl so if we are in the same room please prepare to get punched multiple times out of excitement. You don’t have to put much thought into these just be ready for some awesome.

Learning all about a Foreign Country-Former tennis player and Bryant Gumbel lackey Mary Carillo always puts extra effort into making special reports on the culture of the host country. While I feel like we all know a decent amount about our neighbors across the pond (we did revolt against their tyranny many moons ago) I’m excited to learn some new stuff. In Beijing she talked about panda porn and back in Salt Lake she called men’s double luge a “bar bet gone bad.” I think we can expect great things from Mary for these games. Will she try to re-create her own stone henge? Will she join some hooligans in a street fight? We only have to wait a week to find out. Mary, please bring your A game. Readers, please get ready to get your learn on.

And last but not least: OLYMPIC PARTIES! I am co-captain for a bar night next Thursday that will be Olympic themed and involve medals at the end of the night. What are you doing to get in the spirit? I also will always wear at least one piece of red, white or blue clothing the entire duration of the Olympics (underwear included, don’t question my patriotism or I will eagle flash you). The Olympics are the perfect excuse to drink a few extra beers on a Wednesday night because it is men’s team table tennis finals…duh. So get your red, white & blue, Olympic shirts (best bday gift ever) and beer cozies ready. It is going to be the best two weeks ever.