So as the Olympics roll on, so does Olympic Correspondent Royer's insatiable appetite for blood world-class competition. Today, Olympic Correspondent Royer lays out the mysteries of the London Olympics, which I will then attempt to solve, or detective the shit out of and guess the answer to using my keen senses and sweet moves I picked up from the streets.
Mysteries of the Olympics
As you can
probably tell by now I am an aggressive Olympic viewer but there lots of things
that still leave me with questions.
Have Kate & Will learned to
teleport?
They are doing
an eerie job of getting to all of the major Olympic events, especially when
British athletes are favored. I think there dedication is amazing btdubs, but
it has started to make me wonder if they have learned to teleport (which by the
way would be the superpower I choose, so much more time for activities). They
are doing the wave one second and the next Kate looks like a pageant mom
watching Louis Smith in the Pommel Horse finals. Dear Kate & Will, if you
have learned the secret to teleporting please let me know. It would let me not
miss any live Olympic action in the morning while on the T to work.
Detective's Verdict: Have Kate & Will learned to teleport?- Will & Kate are professionals at avoiding the paparazzi and the likes, prolly using secret entrances/exits, back alleys, getaway cars, and in all likelihood a bruising group of guards that smash anyone who gets in the way. Also wouldn't put it past them using a a royal helicopter. So unfortunately no, these just some lame, rich muggles, not some Harry Potter teleporting.
Does Mo Farah & Galen Rupp’s
teamwork mean the war is officially over?
The Boston Tea
Party museum just re-opened. Whenever I am downtown I regularly look to the
east just to make sure the British aren’t trying to invade. I felt like the Tea
Party museum could have been the last straw. However, the teamwork of Farah
& Rupp leading to a GB gold and USA silver in the 10,000 meters makes me
feel like the war can finally be put to rest. Their celebration was a nice
display of inter-national cooperation and teamwork. But next time Rupp, kick
his ass.
Detective's Verdict: Does Mo Farah & Galen Rupp’s teamwork mean the war is officially over?- Nope, not even a little bit. First, America wins the Revolution, then in 1812 they tried to blow up Baltimore, which we wrote a sweet jam about, and pulled some other shit that didn't end up working out, so when's it our turn to bombard the shit out of one of their middling coast cities? Everyone's playing nice right now, but don't be fooled, its not over! These guys both train together in the US, someone's Benedict Arnold-ing here and I don't like it!
Which came first, handball or water
polo?
Did handball
players say “this is too easy how can we double the difficulty of our sport?”
or did water polo players say “fuck this shit, why don’t we just do this on
land so we don’t have to tread water for hours?” I’ve heard many people say
that water polo looks like torture. I’ve also had friends say if they were
going to pick up any sport that it would be handball because they think they
would be excellent at it. No one says that about water polo. So which came
first? The chicken or the egg. The tired water polo players or the
un-challenged handball players?
Detective's Verdict: Which came first, handball or water polo?- Handball for sure. People in history weren't retarded. Who ever thought treading water for a sport is definitely some bored rich guy with a swimming pool who wanted to torture his kids. For evidence via handball, may it please the court if I submit that crazy Aztec game that is kinda like handball but if you lose you got sacrificed to the gods or some shit. Boom! (wikipedia machine tells me that both modern games developed at the same time, end of 19th century, but handball as roots that go back much farther)
In the history of awkward hugs, where
does the Kayla Maroney/Sandra Izbasa hug stand?
Kayla is the
best vaulter in the world right now. She fucked up and got the silver. Izbasa
is good but not the best and they both knew it. Awkward hug city. Kayla has a
death stare that could probably stop a bear in its tracks. But Izbasa went in
for the hug and held it for a while. Ballsy. Kayla still did a perfect vault in
the team competition to mark her territory. We are still proud of her but I
think she made it clear that she did not want to get touched. This hug probably
goes somewhere between Voldemort hugging Draco and the stepbrother hugging scene:
Detective's Verdict: In the history of awkward hugs, where does the Kayla Maroney/Sandra Izbasa hug stand?- In America if you are expected to win and fall short, are you expected to be gracious and hug your opponent anyways? Over course not! America is built upon pride and winning! IF YOU'RE NOT FIRST YOU'RE LAST! Manifest destiny! This is how we built the railroads and the grand canyon! The hugging is just a plot for the winner to seem gracious, the loser doesn't owe shit to that hug! So to answer the question, is it even a hug if one person doesn't hug back? Good work Kayla, refuse to play into that pity hugging, in America, you only get hugs if you win!
Tuesday
Men’s
Triathlon: UK Brownlee brothers are the heavy favorites. Royer’s Prediction: Alistair beats Jonathan
Men’s 1500:
Matt Centrowitz was looking good in the semis. I’m hoping he can get top 5.
Women’s 100m
hurdles: Pregames attention hoarder LoLo Jones looks for redemption.
Women’s Floor Exercise: Aly Raisman & Jordan
Wieber will be the talk. Royer’s
Prediction: Aly medals but Jordan does not. Nick's Prediction: Jordan stomps all over on some people's heads, shake and bake!
Wednesday
Women’s Beach
Volleyball: Misty & Kerri have had some close calls. I don’t think we have
a clear favorite right now.
Women’s 200
Meters: Jamaicans versus USA round lost count years ago. Royer’s Prediction: Felix for the gold.
Women’s K-4
500m: Kudos if you know what sport this is. Royer’s
Prediction: Hungary & Portugal medal.
Thursday
Men’s
Decathlon: America is real strong in this. Royer’s
Prediction: Hardee & Eaton both medal with a gold medal by one
Men’s 800
Meters: Nick Symmonds is a bit of a wild card but I have high hopes.
Women’s Soccer:
USA V Japan for the gold. Royer’s
Prediction: USA gets redemption with a gold
Royer’s
Prediction Scorecard
Correct: 7
In the ballpark
but still wrong: 7
Not even close:
5
We are starting
to get into team sport finals. Get excited. Until next time here are some pole
vault bloopers/someone cocooning : http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/track-and-field/highlights-pole-vaulting-bloopers.html
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