Santa, I do NOT want Garbage for Christmas!

Big Brown, the Jewish Santa Claus!
Santa visited me the other night, a bit early this year.  At first he over-shot my building, but he came back around for a safe landing.  I was worried this year, I heard Santa's Japanese built sleigh broke down a time or to, but Santa rode spreading good cheer, blaring Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas.  But I was ready and heard such a clatter, so while Santa double parked his sleigh in front of my building, I ran down the stairs to meet Santa.  He didn't ask me if I behaved this year, he didn't get a chance.  My bribe of a festive bottle filled with tasty drink ruled out any chance of getting garbage this year (for some reason B says I should get garbage and she should get a basset hound in her stocking, I don't see the logic but she works with science so she must be right...).  B was out with her mother seeing a play, so I got a chance to catch up with Santa, see how he's living.  Before long, Alvin and the Chipmunks' rendition of All I Want for Christmas thoroughly ruined the mood and Santa had to change the playlist. But then it was time, Santa was on a strict schedule, and Juan needs his presents too!  But before Santa departed into the December night, he gave me our presents, a Belgian Tripel for me and a red wine for B.  Santa didn't give me garbage, what joy!  So thank you to Santa in his Scion sleigh, I will try new things this year, I wouldn't risk getting garbage next Christmas.  And maybe next year I'll get you a better Christmas playlist...

What I Really Want for Christmas:
I know I'm not getting what I really want for Christmas this year.  Labor strife, greed, poorly planned expansions to southern markets, stubbornness  lack of common sense, the worst commissioner in sports history, admitted failure of the same exact situation less than a decade ago, and general disrespect towards hockey fans have insured that I won't get what I really want for Christmas.  If you're a hockey fan you get it, you miss the game at its highest level.  Unfortunately, at its highest level means that's where the most money is.  Whether its the players or the owners or Gary Bettman's fault, (Bill Simmons once joked that NBA commissioner, David Stern, planted Gary Bettman, who formerly worked for the NBA, as the NHL commissioner in 1993 to make himself look like a better commissioner by comparison... Mr. Stern, you're plan worked, but you're not much better) I don't really care at this point, I just wish I could be watching the B's with Jack Edwards screaming silly Revolutionary War anecdotes at me, while Shawn Thornton pummels some punk from Montreal.  We should be watching Chara flatten people  or Seguin lighting up the goal light like its Hannukah in Boston, not in the Czech Republic and Switzerland.  *Best European League story I've read so far- Chara body checked former teammate Miroslav Satan a couple weeks ago and hurt Satan; Satan then went to the media and proclaimed his and Chara's friendship as over, friendship terminated!... really Satan? Tell me how this doesn't make you sound like a big baby?*  Unlike season ticket holders and businesses in NHL cities, I have no financial stake in the league, just an emotional attachment.  The longer this goes on, the more tenuous that attachment may become.  In 2005, I was excited to have the NHL back from the lock-out, next time I may not be as excited if the parties involved don't learn their lesson and get back to the game.  So for Christmas, I won't have the Bruins, but I hope in 2013 they'll come back, before it's too late (I heard that mid-January is the season cancellation deadline).

Nick Goes to the Movies:
On Tuesday night I attended a movie by myself for the second time ever.  Quick quiz, what other movie did I have to go see by myself? .........Answer = Transformers 3 and it was awesome! I still needed to adjust to sitting by myself, but I think I've gotten over the stigma attached to flying solo to a film.  So after work, I walked down the block and saw The Hobbit, in the regular 2-D.  I had read about how people felt nauseous and dizzy from the 48-fps, 3-D format that apparently made everything a little too real and giving a film.  I figured the regular 2-D would allow me to enjoy the movie the first time around without the distractions.  I found a seat, and I think my section became "the area for people there by themselves or noisy bitches who are obviously drinking wine and keep running to the bathroom because this movie is nearly 3 hours long".  People on either side of me were by themselves and I was worried the Asian guys behind would need to translate the movie in their native tongue the entire movie like they did during the half hour of trailers (not racist, actually happened), but they stopped, unlike those noisy ladies and their wine breaks.  It was surprising to see the cross section of the crowd for this movie, because the picture of the traditional nerd that comes to mind did not fit most of the people.
Now if I were to review The Hobbit, I would tell you its really long and gets bogged down to a snails pace in certain parts, but I'm big nerd for the LTR movies so this was a no-brainer "I need to see this movie" movie.  Is it the best made movie? Probably not.  But, I would say if you've read the book or like the material, you'll be into this movie, as long as you can pay attention for the required amount of time.  There was no way I was getting Juan, or let alone B, to come see this movie with me.  But now I'm curious to what the 3-D, nauseous version looked like.

Last year's championship performance

I want to wish everyone Happy and Safe Holidays.  In other news, I would like to toot my own horn, for the 2nd straight year I was the dreidel champion!  I won all the gelt, bankrolled Juan while he devalued the market by eating all the gelt, made it rain as the market collapsed, and took down the diabetes title with my gelt reserves!

Dramatization of what happened this year...

Tonight I will be attending Meat Night, where there will be a large portion of meat served to the each of attendees.  This is the best themed night, and I suggest you attend a similar function soon.







Also, Happy "End of the World" tomorrow.  I plan on eating plenty of breakfast meats on Saturday morning.

Holiday Analytics, Thoughts, and Grades

Holiday Analytics-This morning a complaint was lodged in my apartment, that I heard as "the holiday season is almost over!" (alleged actual complaint was "we only have 2 full weekends before Christmas" but lets pretend it was what I heard)  Lets analyze this complaint:
What qualifies as the holiday season?

• To be broad, holidays count for all of December, 31 days.
• If we're being generous we can count the week or so after Thanksgiving as well, as this is generally when it becomes acceptable to put up Christmas lights or holiday decorations, so in 2012 that would be an additional 8 days, so 39 days total
• Sticking to the ABC Family 25 days of Christmas, would leave us with, shocker, 25 days, but this ignores Boxing Day and New Years, so I'm throwing this one out, shove it ABC Family!
• With Hanukkah starting on the 8th, Hanukkah to New Years is 24 days this year, hitting the 3 big holidays, not including Thanksgiving which is separate, giving a number similar to ABC Family's suggestion, but then again I don't consider Toy Story a Christmas movie so suck it.  
• For the sake of moving on with our lives, lets just consider a range roughly a month long that will be the holidays, okay?

So we have a range between 25-39 days, 3.5-5.5 weeks of holiday season.  The earliest the holiday season would start would have been November 23rd, Black Friday, almost 2 weeks ago, 13 days.  Its been almost a whole week in December, so minimum 6 days.  So by our range, we are somewhere between 24%-33% into the holiday season judging by when you start and how long you consider it.  If you're Jewish, you might be 0% into the holidays.

Therefore, using my analysis, the complaint lodged this morning is false! Boom! .... except I think it was lodged in different sense, as in we don't have any free time to wear Christmas Sweaters and go caroling, "why haven't we watched the Santa Clause yet?", where is all our time scheduled, and so on....

Other Holiday Thoughts:

• I know what you're concerned about, but I'm alright! I actually haven't been waterboarded with Christmas movies yet.  (Alright, waterboard may be a bit extreme, but if ABC Family thinks it can pass off Harry Potter as a Christmas movie, then they better show Air Bud, because dogs that play basketball is what the holidays are all about!)  B actually has it mapped out pretty well, leading up to Christmas Vacation on Christmas Eve (watching it early is a big no-no and results in shame brought upon your entire family).
• Last week I spent some time going through our apartment lease to make sure there was no clause that would forbid us from getting a Christmas Tree.  Apparently bringing a tree into your living room constitutes a real fire hazard.  Nonetheless, I didn't find anything, so now we have a tree that B named Herbert.  Thanks to a donation from the Nana Holiday Fund, Herbert will have a nice home in our living room for the next month.
• Comm Ave. has all its trees lit up with lights, which make a great spot to go running after dark. So if you stop to take pictures of the lights, and get run over by a ginger, you've been warned.
• Can I have hockey back for Christmas?  If not, can I have the opportunity to tell Gary Bettman to suck it?
• Not everyone wishes others well during the Holiday Season.  Prime example, Bad Cat, who looks at the holidays as a great time to sneak out into the neighborhood and cause a giant ruckus and pick fights with much larger organisms, from neighborhood children to packs of wild dogs... 

Season Greetings 'Scheme'ings from Bad Cat!

Thank you Michael for sending along evidence of Bad Cat plotting his next attack.

To keep everyone on the top of their game this holiday season, I thought it'd be constructive to give out some feedback on everyone's performances for Thanksgiving and early holiday season, so they can improve upon their Holiday Game.
Not entirely arbitrary Holiday Grades:
Nick: D  Poor showing at the Rossi Thanksgiving get-together, although avoiding profuse bleeding in front of small children does save from a failing grade.  Failure to dress up the dog as a Pilgrim also disappoints as we have to look for improvement as the holidays continue.
Holly Viszla: C+ While your collar screams deer hunter, operation dress like a pilgrim was failure. But I saw that picture of you in a wreath, way to get in the holiday mood!
Juan: C  Solid showing being able to handle a dubious looking White Cherry Slushy and bargain hunt for $4 hats and toy helicopters  but a missed opportunity to proclaim "Sak's gonna bang Katniss" leaves room for improvement.
Laura: B+ Almost lost out on the first choice of Christmas Tree, but held strong against that old lady and Asian family eyeing your tree and brought home a winner.
Michael: A- Whether finding autumnal balloons, locating Nana's Jim Beam, playing Cards Against Humanities, or getting haircuts that "don't look like a cop", strong Thanksgiving performance all around. The addition of flannel to the wardrobe made all the difference, as the Chocolate Cake beer mix (Chocolate Stout + Raspeberry Hefewiezen) really woke up the Holiday Magic... up next Winter Warmer + Apple Cider...
B: A Here goes the intergrity of the grading scale, but as long as there is a supply of cookies in the apartment, that's an A!
Craig & Jesse: Hey As in the hebrew dradle hey.  You get half the pot, but you'll have to defeat the defending dradle champ if you want the Gimmel!
Walter: B Pro moves all around- clipping balloons to Cory, moving tractor parts, and belting out the karaoke like the best of em. Just wait til the festive outwear comes out!
Royer: A+  Royer ate too much and couldn't get up from his chair at Friendsgiving, that's a win! Boxed wine and a Fenway Christmas is a good start, but if Royer is to stay atop his holiday game, he needs an ugly sweater right away!

If you didn't get a holiday grade and want one, show off your game! (C)Hanukkah starts this weekend!

Me, My 8 Year Old Self, and our Realtionship with Running

As some of you may know and attest to, I have never been the runner type.  Shocking as it might be, the ginger who would regularly huddle in the kitchen corner and eat peanut butter straight from the jar, grew up never liking to run long distances.  Running for the sake of running never made sense to me growing up.  Running to serve a purpose made sense to me.   Be it sports, a game of tag, or survival mode get the fuck away from your older brother.  If avoiding a pummeling from older brothers was a Olympic sport, I would've had a solid chance to make the national team.

Evidence A- Judging by the photo I better start running to avoid that pummeling

Until late high school or even college, running was a chore, something that required mental agony or preparation   Although my childhood efforts to achieve diabetes from candy and countless jars of peanut butter failed, my body definitely knew that running for running's sake was not going to be a fun or easy activity for me, no matter how hard I tried.  I remember the gym classes, the dreaded day of elementary school gym running around cones in a field, my first timed run (big deal, I think it was something like 400 or 800 meters, which is incredibly far for my 4th grade self), the presidential fitness mile around the track in middle school.  Mercifully, the high school track was destroyed for renovation purposes a few months into my freshman year, never to be completed until well after my graduation (4 years mind you, no getting held back for me, suck it!).  The mere thought of running against a clock, let alone competing against your peer group, would in my mind would transform a timed mile into my own personal marathon.  Trying to impress your friends or maybe someone from the opposite gender is kinda hard as your preteen body struggles to hold in vomit after completing a thrilling 13 minute mile.  

The biggest shock came when I showed up for soccer tryouts freshmen year to find out you had to run 2 miles, not just 1, in under 14 minutes (feel free to correct me if that time is off, the trauma may have altered my memory), not that I ever thought of making varsity that year.  Suddenly, running became a desired skill.  Eventually I adapted, made the varsity soccer team a few years later (gaining promotion junior year and then barely making the timed run my senior year) and dreading the occasional team run around town.

Cross-country and track all embraced being able to run far, not surprisingly I avoided those teams.  Yet I went one step further to battle against the evil of long distance running, as I harbored members of the track team at my house while they were supposed to be out on a multiple mile quest to hone their skills for upcoming competitions against other high schools.  I classified people who ran track by their reasoning behind joining; some people did track because they enjoyed it or actually good at it, I think most did it to stay in shape for other sports or for fitness, and some, I suspect, were coerced by parents for those bonus extracurriculars or to keep them from playing video games or getting in trouble.   Either way, at that age I wasn't having it, I found better things to do, like build bike jumps with Walter or watch Cookie suffer multiple concussions getting jacked up playing backyard football against my brother's older, faster, and larger friends. 

Sedentary bear at your local zoo

Yet the post-childhood relationship with running has evolved.  Staying in shape became a thing, not just something grownups do.  Newsflash, when you get older, more often than not you don't stay the same shape acting like the sedentary bear at your local zoo.  In college, to avoid the over crowded gym, Wake Forest had a nice trail network that was fun way of pretend that the afternoon jog was actually an exploration trek in the forest.  The weather down south made me want to actually be outside for a significant portion of the year.  A few miles here, a few miles there, this isn't so bad, so much that I really didn't do the gym all that much.  I was alright with running, and running was alright with me as long as I didn't get cocky and try to become a track star.  I wasn't going to win any races or be the fittest guy around, but I could run a few miles and not feel like dying, a win in my book.

Then back to Massachusetts after college.  Half the year its cold and awful weather to be running around in outside.  I don't want to get into my non-relationship with treadmills (aka they're stupid!), so I was stuck with the task of adapting my weak lungs to the cold New England air.  I've done my best with running in Boston; I have the cold weather outfits, I know where to run and how not to get hit by cars when its dark or avoid uneven brick sidewalks, and when to not even try to run (definitely saw a wicked tough guy out running in the middle of Hurricane Sandy, that's commitment/stop it!).  I got running shoes for my birthday last year (how pissed would my 8 year old self be if that's what he got?). I even have started to relax and zen-out while running these days, occasionally fantasizing about throwing a hip check to send a biker or tourist meandering down the middle of the sidewalk on the Mass Ave. Bridge into the Charles River, which would be totally defensible because I'm pretty sure that's a Masshole law.  I've even run Harpoon's 5 Miler each May for the past couple years, and while I really run for the beer and a good time, I can say I've entered a race and not embarrassed myself.

So in the beginning I hated running, then moved to grudgingly accepted it as a means to what I want accomplish, then learned to accept it as an outlet and recess from life (and will probably move full circle into hating it again once I get those diabetes in future and start eating jars of peanut butter again).  My eight year old self would probably think I am idiot for running for the sake of running, and part of me agrees with him, but I think he's silly for eating a whole jar of peanut butter and not thinking that anyone would notice.  But seriously eight year old me, if you run a handful of miles a week, you're really just training to run away from bears, and they WILL take your peanut butter unless you can run...

The Best Attack Ad and Other Political Thoughts!

Tomorrow is the big day, where Americans flex their democratic muscles, express their political will, and really show the rest of the world how to be awesome.    The important issues and candidates have ground into every American's mind with the subtlety of that basset hound in my neighborhood on a 6 AM stroll past my building who has found a squirrel in his path.  Unless you really pay attention you may need assistance making important choices and exercising your American rights.  Even I need to take time to ponder the important differences between candidates and issues and the longstanding repercussions of my choices... like the three proposition votes in MA are all jumbled in my mind, but I just break them down into simple questions of: 1.) Can I fix my own car, 2.) can I smoke marijuana if I get glaucoma from fixing my car, and 3.) if the glaucoma gets bad enough can a doctor help kill me even if I fixed my car all wrong?  Sometimes voting for something you care about is the only way to really make the right choice...

If there's one thing America does well with elections, its mudslinging!  Back in the good ole days you could make up whatever you wanted about your opponent and just demoralize their chances.  Good attack ads are great but you need to get mud in your own eyes to know how it feels like, so I've written an attack against myself, that way if I ever run for anything, like Mayor of Waffletown, I'll be use to the harsh realities of political combat of slander and petty verbal abuse!  So I present to you, as interpreted through a selection of photos from my Facebook page (thank you people with cameras who take pictures of me occasionally), The Best Attack Ad You Will See EVER!: 

Nick Sims is running for the Mayor of Waffletown, but does he really know what's best for the future of Waffletown?

Nick claims to be literate, but has hard time reading books without pictures and rarely can control the volume of his voice...

Nick supports turning Waffletown's syrup reserve into a water-slide and will, almost definitely, talk loudly during you're back swing! 

A registered Bear Party member, his voting record indicates he defends the right to bear arms and arm bears...

...and there's a 62% he's afraid of the dark!

Nick never voted in High School, not even once!  Instead he gave all his votes to his fellow Bear Party members...

... and spent the rest of his time trying to lick ladies in their faces!

Despite claims to the contrary, he can't even pull off a bow tie look, is that the kind of leadership Waffletown deserves?

He claims to be a good skier, but he's only been twice and cried a little both times.

Look how hard he has to concentrate while trying to dance... not right for the dance floor, not right for Waffletown!

Nick has a public record of picking up dogs and using them as puppets...

...and likes to light sticks on fire to poke cameramen...

... but has avoided convictions on both counts due to fantastic color coordination in his wardrobe.

His gambling addiction will cost Waffletown hundreds of waffle irons and countless shortages in toppings!

So come election day, think: Do you want someone with an unnatural fascination with dressing as a curious monkey and hugging sea captains in charge of Waffletown's future?

Nick Sims, too much batter for this Waffletown!
This ad was paid for by Waffletonians against Gingers...

Other Somewhat Political Thoughts:

• What are those people standing on street corners with signs hoping to accomplish?  Do they simply wish to remind us who is running?  I'm sure there are better methods besides spending 3 hours attempting to provoke support through honking.  Are they trying to peer pressure me?   Do they get paid to stand there like those guys who spin and toss signs in front of retail stores? Does that mean I should I go wait in line at an Apple Store for an iPhone? I think I need an adult...
• All the talk about tax issues made me think about how if you don't pay taxes for long enough and you're really good at it, you can get the suckers who do pay taxes to send you to a minimalist resort for a few years, aka taxes funding the prison you'll get to stay at.  Suck it law abiding citizens!
• Outside work today I saw a panhandler with a sign that threatened "Give me $1 or I'll vote for Romney tomorrow..."  Very clever way to needle some Bostonians, and I think he deserves the dollar, but if I had to guess, I don't think he's gonna vote at all tomorrow.

Throughout the lead up to the election, the TV ads and political discourse has been gearing up to a healthy climax of the campaigns on the first Tuesday in November.  Whose gonna win, the Denver Broncos-Obamas or the New Morman Mets?  Despite Sandy's best efforts to alleviate everyone on the east coast's overdose of politics, I have a feeling that most people will be relieved to be rid of this donkey and elephant race on Wednesday.  Seriously, who would win in a race a donkey or an elephant? The truth is it depends on the course... is there water or mountainous regions?  How old are the animals?  Is there drug tests or is doping allowed?  Sometimes you never can tell...

City Life, Food, Dog Jobs, and, of course, Bear News

It's getting chilly out but that means fall fashion is back!!! These cardigans are so blah this year, but the plaid is really hot for the cool weather...(record stopping noise)... nope! (o jeeze, just threw fashion blog everywhere) Boo!!! This isn't a fashion blog!  Fall is back but that doesn't mean we have to be terrible.  October is nature's time to make a god dang mess all over the place while people admire it and call it pretty.  I hope to do the same in October, make a mess and impress people with my beauty.  Taking nature's lead, the NHL lockout continues to make a mess of something awesome, as the Bruins opener was scheduled for last night, but whomp-whomp, I fear the B's may not get to play this season.  On the Halloween's coming up fast, hope everyone's got their costumes ready, and I hope to impress myself by avoiding diabetes again this year.


City Life Update: It's been a little over a month since I packed up and moved out of the old creaky house in Davis Square, where Juan, Channel K, Big Brown and I lived for over a year, often above an quirky, moody old lady with a temper.  I've left the hipsters and the Red Line for the Back Bay, where the people watching jumps to the big time and I can actually refer to distances in real city blocks.  I've worked in the city for a couple years, now I don't leave it at night, but I can hardly complain, I walk through park to and from work and don't have an elderly landlord who demands constant impromptu renovation projects on a house that ultimately should be knocked down in a few years.  B and I have ended up on a quiet street, albeit extremely close to some busy spots (shopping is crazy there, I've been enjoying playing a game on the weekends where you try to figure out what language the people shopping or walking around are speaking is actually a challenge), in an apartment carved out of an 100+ year old house, that I'm sure belonged to some rich dude back in 1890.  Somehow we ended up with a unit on the second floor that was, without a doubt, formally said rich dude's library.  I'm talking rich mahogany walls, leather bound books, fire place, large french windows (I don't actually know what French windows are but ours are too big and I may fall out by accident) big ass door with old school latch and key... I feel like I should be smoking a pipe and checking on how my oil futures out west are fairing instead of eating a burrito and admiring my burgeoning African knife collection (consisting of all 2 of them).

Suck it Juan!

Food: In our new place, B has taken an organized approach to dinner, planning out a menu for the coming week nights and organizing a shopping list.  Its a smart system and it has other perks.  For example, I can call up Juan and be like "Hey Juan, I'm having Chicken Pot Pie 2 weeks from now, suck it!" (but then Juan might cry, so you have to remember to tell him to suck it nicely).  The system is working so far, but I can't expect B to make dinner every night, I'm gonna roll up my sleeves and do my part, which is make primarily breakfast-meat-based foods.  I've worked on my cooking, non-microwave variety mind you, and was responsible for making chicken piccata (that was edible, win!) and have since attended meatball making school (The Rossi School for Wayward Meatball-ers).  My cooking is alright, I have my own mess making smock for the kitchen, but I have a tendency to go rogue, off the recipe.  Let's just say I enjoy twisting/ruining a plain recipe by adding random stuff I find in the kitchen, sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.  Past examples: this asparagus looks plain, lets add some cherry coke for flavor! or These vegetable and  chicken look good, but wouldn't it be better with bacon and whiskey poured on it? or let me heat up this butter in my pants! or lets just put this candy bar in the waffle maker!  Safe to say, when in doubt, add cheese or meat... or both.
As a blog challenge I will accept cooking suggestions to attempt, please submit them and I'll take pictures and let you know how it went (I retain the right to go rogue and improve upon your silly ideas)........ I'll give a month before I'm on cooking probation....


Random List time: Jobs I could do with Dogs- Almost every morning, the beagle and basset hound in our neighborhood likes to make sure everyone isn't sleeping late and is getting to work on time by howling and baying his ass off.  So besides alarm clock, what other jobs could a dog and I do together?

• Detective! Acquire a dog, quit my job, and solve mysteries for a living, non of that Scooby Doo shit, we're talking real mysteries!

•  Another potential vocation I could get into is dog swim instructor...

• Maybe start a cab business in the city carting around drunk people?

• Could look in to the dog IT field?

• And if all else fails...

This Week in Bear News

A black bear in California is suspected of stealing a iPad from a campground last month, park rangers urge people to back away from bears slowly (especially if they're playing angry birds).  A fisherman identified the the bear as the same suspect who came back later to take a Tupperware container full of food.

An advocacy group in New York released a video of what polar bears would be like if they drank Coca-Cola, like they do the soft drink's ads, in effort to limit the size of soft drinks in the city.  Apparently bears would supposedly loose their teeth and take diabetes medicine, but I suspect bears that drink coke would more likely resemble this:

Diabetes makes bears lazy!

A bee hive farm in Washington was ransacked by an unidentified bear this past week.  The suspect is alleged to have helped itself to a great deal of honey, leaving more than $1,000 worth of damage to fencing, the bees, and their hives.  The suspect can be identified by the many bee stings that surely were inflicted and did little to discredit the stereotype of bears loving honey.

Finally, a black bear was murdered in New Jersey Wednesday night, when it was shot with a bow and arrow.  The two year old bear was shot and got a few blocks away before it died on a neighbor's front lawn.  Be careful bow hunters of New Jersey, I'm not sure a blood feud with a clan of bears is all that desirable...

This bear is definitely plotting... watch out Jersey Bow Hunters!

I'll leave you with these other pictures of bears courtesy of the internet machine:

Retro Guest blog from June- Sound of Music Drinking Game

So.... I may have taken a month or more off from blogerizing the internets.  I'm sure you're all clamoring for bear news, all you've had since August was the left-over shingles from that Olympic-Fever Royer gave you and whatever else you can find on the interwebs machines.  But don't you waste your sweet little angel tears that smell like pears and dumplings (cuz you eat weird shit like that...), bear news you will get... this week... promise.....maybe....

But first, for all you're Yom Kippur festivities, I have a gem I've been sitting on since June (aka kept forgetting to post amid Olympic Fever)... I present a new drinking game as discussed by two guest bloggers and myself.  Back in June, everyone was like, "Nick, why don't you write a drinking game for some bad-ass movies"-everyone, so I was like "Okay, pick a bad-ass movie"-me, and then someone shouted "Sound of Music"-someone, so this is happening and I've never seen it, right?
So, I did the only reasonable thing possible, stuck to my word and recruited some legit Sound of Music fanatics.  According to the book face, they've been friends since 2006, like the same fishing charter and mobile software company not named gotomeeting, have attended to up to 3 dinner parties together, and wish each other "Happy happy Birthday Girl!!!" promptly on their respective walls....oh, and they date twin brothers....Straight from the streets of Shantytown, please welcome Laura and Sam.

What? Where did these mojitos come from?

Now I present the email chain that sparked drinking game no one will ever fully grasp, I apologize for the abundance of puns I don't fully grasp, and please skip this if talking about musicals makes you violent or violently ill.

Someone needs to cut the damn lawn!

Nick- Despite nearly melting on the train this morning, I've made it the sanctuary of air conditioning with minimal pre-work perspiration, a real win (please note this was written in the midst of an extreme heat wave back in June).  I feel like one of the most important things I learned going to college in the south, was how to show up at a class in late-August heat without sweat stains, aka cutting through buildings with a/c, wearing certain colored shirts, or melting ice on wrist to cool you down (this may make me special?).  Anyways, last night, upon the Green Mawnstaahhhh (Sam's spelling), despite 96 degree game time temperature, you guys came up with an idea that may get me to watch a movie I'd never thought I'd see... the Sound of Music.  I've seen a few wedding shows and I'm aware of what Lifetime/TLC offer, but that TSOM just never crossed my mind of something I should or would ever want to watch, how's your idea gonna get me on the musical movie train so to speak?

Sam- Guten tag, and thanks for the invite to your blog!  In some ways, I feel like I've been training my whole life for this very moment.  With musicals being my #1 guilty pleasure, TSOM falls into an elite bucket of "Movies I Cannot Turn Off When On TV" (all things Disney and Mrs. Doubtfire have also earned the same right) -- a few of my "Favorite Things," if you will.  Usually, if I want to convince 'M' to watch something musically oriented, I have to start by saying there are monster trucks and fighting and lots of blood and zombies -- but TSOM doesn't need a fabricated introduction.  It tells the story of a bad ass captain, his crazy love affair with the family babysitter, Nazi chases, and terrifying natural disasters (e.g. thunderstorms).  Sounds like a pretty awesome story line, huh?  Oh, and there are songs. Lots of them.  But the way Laura and I see it, songs = drinking for you guys.  So bring on the MUSIC! 

No one does better Nazi fights/chases like this guy!

I'll let 'L' weigh in on the 'do-re-mis' (basics) of our drinking game thesis, but here's a trailer:  Julie Andrews making household items into clothing?  Drink.  Is your chosen Von Trapp child complaining?  Drink. 

Auf Wiedersehen,

Fraulein Sam

Sent from my iPhone (this was before the fancy iPhone 5 came out, so bourgeois with her iPhone 4...)

Nick- The lack of monster trucks, karate, or bears is unfortunate, but if your gonna get anywhere with a musical with a non-musical crowd, you're right, it relies completely on story line, whether its funny or just plain awesome.  I'm assuming the Nazi chases means the Nazis are bad guys, because they are definitively top 3 movie bad guy material.  If the Nazi's are the good guys, then I'll have to assume that its some type of Inception based plot twist and they're actually bad guys.  Also, if you have to prep a viewer to watch something, is it worth under-selling the intro it so they don't bail right away? Also, drinking is a form of preparation for watching movies (I was once asked to leave the room during my first viewing of "There Will Be Blood" because I kept asking why there was no dialogue).  Which ties into the game, the chosen character idea sounds promising, where your drinking is linked to complaining/douchebaggery of specific characters.

(Sent from a Computer!!!)

Laura- Thank you, Fraulein, and Nick. What a lovely introduction to a film also near and dear to my heart. I've been bred to love TSOM, from my first day on Earth, where I was inches away from being named Liesl (no joke). Like Sam, I am completely helpless when I comes on TV and it's a yearly family tradition to sing along to the film on Thanksgiving (it is also a tradition to call the Baroness bad names). The first (and only) time I was able to convince Juan to watch TSOM, I didn't convince him at all. He was in a medicated, flu-like trance which rendered him immune to the charm of Maria, the Captain, and the Von Trapp family (so kinda like waterboarding Juan, but with music instead of water...). And so, I am delighted to have the opportunity to translate all of the magical and memorable moments of TSOM into a drinking game, so that everyone can enjoy it! Because any movie that involves nuns sabotaging Nazis deserves an equally badass drinking game. And 'S' and I are just the ones to do it.

So, first, I think it's best to establish the ground rules. Obviously every person has to have a drink, preferably a beer and preferably out of a traditional stein, but we can let it slide if it comes from the can, bottle, or other. Throughout the game, when you discard an empty, it should be placed on a table in a tower formation to form the Alps, a symbol of the real Alps, which the Von Trapp family must climb to escape into Switzerland. Next, each competitor should be assigned a character. Whether this is out of a hat, or based upon their resemblance, it doesn't matter, but try your best to embody your character, extra points if you don some lederhosen. Based upon how many people are participating, choose from the following characters, which are listed in order of importance:

Maria
Captain Von Trapp
Liesl
Louisa
Friedrich
Kurt
Brigitta
Marta
Gretl
The Baroness
Max Detweiler

Reverend Mother

Rolfe

Herr Zeller

Whenever your assigned character appears on screen, take 1 drink. If you are the Baroness, Rolfe, or Herr Zeller,take 2 drinks, because you are the worst. Von Trapp Children: in the scene where you sing an adorable farewell song to the guests at the party, chug while your solo is being sung. Also take 1 drink when you all tip the boat, because that was silly.

That's all from me for now. 'S,' want to help with some socials to be aware of throughout the film?

Peace, love, and Adelweiss,

Leisl, I mean Laura

Nick (Sometime the next day...)- This might be going somewhere, two of my hobbies are yelling things in German and building towers/structures out of recyclable materials!  As for characters, I'm guessing there aren't any gingers for me to relate to, this is a concern but not a deal breaker.  What is a deal breaker is people singing along to the movie, so can we have some type of rule for if you sing along and mess up the tune or lyrics you get penalized, or is this too harsh?  What's to stop me from making up my own songs, ruining the real song for others?  I don't need Liesl throwing cans and left hooks (I know you love watching fighting...) cuz I my singing is too awesome while we try to build a model alps.

(Sent from internet machine without the help of librarian or enhance substance, suck it Lance Armstrong!)

Sam- If you're caught singing along to the movie, and mess up the words/tune, your shall be sentenced to public yodeling.  Yes, yodeling.  This is going to be a particularly dangerous rule for Liesl and I, who can have been singing along to TSOM since we were toddlers -- the muscle memory might be tough to break!  I'll brush up on my lyrics (& yodeling, just in case) to avoid embarrassment...

'L', what an awesome set of rules.  I am guilty of LOL'ing at my desk over the idea to chug during "So Long, Farewell." 

More Socials:

    1.  Von Trapp children give the Captain amateur excuses (they don't even know which berry season is which!)

    2.  Sexual tension (or broken sexual tension... spoiler alert) between Maria and the Captain

    3.  Everyone drinks for the same number of seconds as the number of nuns on screen

    4.  Captain/Maria blow whistle

    5.  Rolf does the "Heil Hitler" salute (2 drinks and lots of yelling)

    6.  Maria says "Oh!"

    7.  The phrase "flibberty-gibbit" is uttered (give 5 drinks for the most creative definition)

    8.  Goat appears during puppet show (waterfall + make goat noises)

Question.  Is it too much to ask all participants to wear shorts, high socks, and overalls made of painters tape.  Regardless of your answer, I will bring painters tape. 

Yours in strawberries-so-cold-they-turn-blue,

Fraulein Sam

Sent from my iPhone (be honest Sam, did Siri help you with this?)

Nick- I think that if you dress up in the Austrian outfit, you become the drink master and can tell other people to drink at will, a commitment to the game deserves some reward!

To spruce my knowledge of a movie I've never seen, I referred to the imdb machine, which gave me a plot summary that started with " In 1930's Austria, a young woman named Maria is failing miserably in her attempts to become a nun."  I have a couple ideas of how you fail at becoming a nun but I'm going to go ahead and say my guesses would be inappropriate and slightly off base.  In other discoveries, no one told me the bad guy from "Up" was Captain Von Trapp, what the hell guys!?!?  Between dressing up and yelling in made-up German, I think this is very do-able.

(Sent via carrier pigeon via drawing a pigeon on my computer)

Laura- Now there is one important part of the movie we haven't touched: everyone's favorite tune, "Do Re Mi." Maria teaches the Von Trapp children about music on a scenic mountainside while they're all wearing matching clothes. It segues into a song to help them remember the different notes and the children are seen gallivanting around Vienna. It's catchy, and fun, and there simply must be drinking rules that can apply here. Help me out team. The only think I can think of is another social drink when Maria hits the high note at the end of the song, with one hand on her head and the other pointing straight up. There must be something more we can do here! (nope, that was the end of the email chain...)

Olympic Wrap Up, Thank You's, and Betting Line Results

You think the Olympics ended Sunday night?  Well with Olympic Correspondent Royer, the Olympics are never over! NEVER... actually, I think he knows its time to leave London, scrapbook the hell out of the past couple weeks, and refocus on preparing for the next Olympics, all while crying just a little, not too much though, just a little.  

The Last London Olympic Post. I’m tearing up a bit (I told you guys he might cry!). I’m sure ya’ll are beyond Olympic’d out so I will keep this brief.

Thank You Ginger Bear for letting me take over your blog for the past 3 weeks. If you are in the Boston area and saw that obnoxious commercial about the one news lady a million times you will understand this reference. I have always felt the need to tell the world the news, the Olympic news. So thank you Editor Sims for giving me a great forum and adding some great images and insight.

Editor- Your Really Fucking Welcome OCR!

Thank You Olympics for providing lots of fun guessing activities. Overall I think I did a decent job. Maybe a bronze medal performance? There were definitely a few guesses that were terrible. (Ryan Hall, I just bought your book, how can you disappoint me by not even finishing?)

Royer’s Final Prediction Scorecard

Correct: 15

In the ballpark but still wrong: 10

Not even close: 7

Thank You Olympians for being so Smokin Hot. As promised here are my top 5 hottest Olympians:

5) Laura Robson, Great Britain, Tennis, Silver, Mixed Doubles with Andy Murray

Girl Next Door Hot

4) Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, Jamaica, Track & Field, Gold 100M, Silver 200M & 4x100M Relay

My Hair is always a little poofy but I’m fast as Fuck Hot 

3) Jaqueline Carvalho, Brazil, Indoor Volleyball, Gold

I’m Brazilian and can spike like a mofo hot.
OCR had picked a different pic, I over-ruled, this one's better cuz she's hammering this other lady! 

2) Alex Morgan, USA, Soccer, Gold

I’m good at soccer and just straight up hot, hot. 

1)Elisa Di Francisca, Italy, Fencing (Foil), Gold Individual & Team Foil

I have the passion of a volcano and spirit of a warrior hot. 

Thank You Olympics for only being about two weeks. My average night’s sleep was 5.5 hours and this past weekend my body started revolting by falling asleep standing up at multiple times (prove it!). I don’t think I could have handled much more Olympic competition in terms of my physical health. Things I’ve learned: I need to take vacation time next summer Olympics.  Editor's suggestion to Royer- You should prolly apply to volunteer at the next Olympics, I think you're qualified as long as you don't come off as obsessive on the application...

Thank You Elizabeth Tweddle for winning my Most British Athlete award. Your name is British, your appearance is British & you won an unexpected bronze medal on the uneven bars. Like many of your compatriots, you won a medal in a sport that made many viewers go huh like the long jump and double in 5 & 10k. Be proud Elizabeth Tweddle. You represent your home.

Thank You American Lady Athletes for kicking ass and taking names these Olympic Games. They are bringing home 58.5 medals (mixed doubles screwing things up) with 29 of them gold compared to the men’s 45.5 medals with only 17 gold. The US female gender as a whole peaked at the right time while, like always, the men have peaked too soon. Zoom Zoom Zoom. But seriously nice job ladies, and men please step it up for Rio.

Settle down ladies, you'll over-heat the dogs with all your gold! 

Thank You Rio for helping spread the Olympics to a new continent. The Olympics now move to South America for the first time and I am pumped. The world will talk shit about safety blah blah blah but if the Olympics are to remain a global event they need to take a stop around all parts of the world. I have faith they will do an excellent job and I am counting down the days.

And last but not least THANK YOU all for joining me on my Olympic Journey. I am working diligently on the scrapbook during daylight hours and hope to be done within the week. Please contact me directly for a viewing. I’ve really enjoyed sharing my enthusiasm and look forward to coming back as Olympic Correspondent during Sochi 2014. I’m sure I will make some other appearances before we journey to Russia in different ways but as always Higher Faster Stronger and AMURICA.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for...

Nick's Pre-Olympic betting odds, Results Edition: If you've kept up with the blog you know that I set some betting lines throughout the lead up to the games, here are the results to best of my and the interweb's knowledge (also, I'm kinda surprised how close I got to some of these, others not so much.):

• # of medals Finland will win for non-shooting events: +/- 1.5 result: 3
• # of total medals China will win in Table Tennis +/- 4 result: 6
• Over/Under # of USA Gold Medals +/- 34.5  result: 46
• Most overall medals for a Scandinavian country-> Early Favorite-Sweden @ -150 (but I like Norway as a dark horse) result: Denmark with 9 medals just beat out Sweden with 8 medals, Norway remained a dark horse finishing with 4 medals
• # of medals (men or women) won by China in Trampoline +/- 3.5  result: 4
• total # of gold medals won by all African nations +/- 10  result: 11
• Spice Girls make an appearance at opening ceremonies (-150)  result: 1/2 credit, closing ceremonies

Finally, I would like take the time to thank Royer for his posts, updates, intimate/alone-time thoughts, and his unwavering commitment to share the Olympic Fever with a bunch of people who may or may not like, understand, tolerate, or even know how to read (fact- 22% of the people who view this blog cannot and refuse to learn how to read, demographic science!) about the London 2012 games. But, you know what, Royer shared it anyways, whether you liked it or not, freedom isn't free buddy! While this may be OCR's last Olympic report for London 2012, I'm in the works getting getting Royer on as a special correspondent on an in-depth investigation/ feature on the person that is Channel-K, hopefully coming later this fall (you won't wanna miss this- "Don't bother me while I'm cleaning my Room!: Protein, Pranks, and Panic, The Story Behind Channel K").