Nick's Favorite Mustaches and Facial Hair: In no coherent order are some of my favorite examples of testosterone fueled works of arts on peoples' faces from history, real life, and sports!
1.) William Howard Taft- The 27th President of these United States had a nice mustache going on. Apparently in 1909, having giant caterpillar above your mouth was the only way to tell the rest of the world how its gonna be...("oh hey there Europe, back the f*** up, this is America!"-Taft on foreign policy) Lets face it, he's only on here because he got stuck in a bathtub... but nice mustache anyways Mr. President.
2.) Daniel Plainview- aka Daniel Day Lewis in the super smash hit/Juan's favorite movieThere Will be Blood. He states it nice and plain, "I drink your milkshake!", which I'm fairly sure is where he finds all the calories to grow that wondrous, Oscar award winning 'tache. (Also, don't be thick with him or he'll murder you with bowling equipment...)
3.) Ambrose Burnside- He was a general for the Union army during the Civil War perhaps best known for lending his name to the facial styling known as side burns. Besides having epic facial hair, he was an awful general, losing a couple big battles during the war, and went on to disgrace his facial hair further by becoming Governor of Rhode Island (sorry Rhode Island, it just seems like you don't need a Governor, you could prolly just run yourself (all 20 16 of you)...) and was the first president of the NRA. Nevertheless, if I've learned anything, its that starting a new facial hair style is the best possible career choice, even if your terrible at your jobs, no one can deny your awesome side burns.
4.) Mike Commodore- Commodore is professional hockey player in the NHL, a defenseman, currently on the Red Wings (although I'm not sure how much he actually plays) but anyways, finally, a ginger made the list! Of course hockey players had to be represented, look at that ginger beard, amazing! Along with growing an epic playoff beard and fro, he won the Cup back in 2007 with the Carolina Hurricanes. Hockey playoff beards are just the best. You'll get guys who shouldn't and can't grow proper facial hair trying their best (for example Tyler Seguin) to blend in with the most manliest teammates (i.e. Chara or Timmy), and all this when its May and June, the last time of year you would rationally want a mountain man beard.
5.) Brett Keisel- Speaking of mountain man beards, this Steelers Defensive-End has the right idea. During those cold snowy Pittsburgh winters, while other guys a freezing their faces off, he's got blanket for his chin and neck. Well played sir, I'd like to see Tom Brady try to grow one of these puppies...
6.) Chia Hui Liu (guy from Kill Bill movie?)- One word: diversity! Is this a real beard, prolly not, but is this guy a kung fu boss? Yup! If we're having a karate tournament in the garage, this guy is in charge! *Bonus points for epic eyebrows*
7.) Wyatt Earp- Don't like this mustache? Too bad, cuz he'll shoot you in the face!
8.) Ron Swanson- No explanation necessary, to do so would be un-American and would likely involve too much government.
Stupid Shit Nick Saw on TV Last Night:
1.)Toddlers & Tiara's-- Why I was watching this is indefensible, I should turn in my man card right away. When its not your TV you can't just take over the remote and be an ass (well you can, but then your an ass), so in between watching the Bruins (1st place in the east btw, suck it Montreal!) I witnessed the most unsightly television program ever. This shit is scary, its a train wreck and you can't look away. These little girls, who for the most part seem to enjoy the pageant-type setting, aren't the problem, its the parents and other crazy people who think this is a good idea. I know its be around for a little while but seeing it for myself was just terrible. TLC obviously found that putting these crazy people on TV means ratings, what's new? Besides the one mom I saw that had the "I'm gonna murder people if my daughter doesn't win"-type deal going on I didn't really care. But the worst was the 45 year old man telling me how he does his "judging" of little girls, aged 4 months-10 years old, dressed to look 3 times their age, creepiest guy I've seen in a long time. (It's Always Sunny's Frank's Little Beauties episode anyone?) How do you even get into judging pageants as a dude? (not asking so I can do it, I promise)
2.) This Sleepy's commercial. Watch it on mute and add my commentary, but don't actually watch it regularly because that would be the dumbest thing you could do. Here's my frame by frame (in seconds, stupid) analysis of what this mattress will do for you:
We'll get you prego on our mattresses! (seconds 0-3)
Perfect for getting up in your baby's grill! (4-7)
Great for naps with the neighborhood dog or strays (8-10)
Awesome for misbehaving or terrorizing the babysitter by repeatedly jumping on the bed (also good for reaching ceiling fans with your face) (10-12)
Nice for getting nail polish everywhere and talking about people behind their backs! (13-15)
Fits most mail-order brides perfectly! (15-16)
Amazing for waiting for the Viagra/Cialis to kick in, and then putting that Viagra/Cialis to good work! (17-22)
This Week in Bear News: This week I am purposely ignoring the news about polar bears in foreign zoo's, because that's just racists, why does no one talk about the other colored bears in foreign zoo's? Anyways, the Walt Disney Corporation has made a grant to feed bears in the Appalachian Bear Rescue program for wayward bears in the Smoky Mountain National Park. What they are rescued from, I don't know but I'm guessing it's not Harry from Harry and the Henderson's. I remain suspicious of what old Walt Disney is up to, as Disney's bear track record is questionable at best, with a list that includes the 2003 bear murder documentaryBrother Bear and the misrepresentation of sinister bears in the 1981 horror movie The Fox and the Hound.
Egg Nog and Candy Cane flavored coffees, festive lights everywhere, various tools and other Hanukkah-based betting devices strewed about the coffee table, protein powder practical jokes, and slumbering drunks on the sofa. If these things don't seem like the holidays to you then.... well, you're just plain wrong (youcan'tsitwithus!). With the holidays upon us I would like to take a moment to appreciate some wonderful things:
Books, none specifically, but books in general. Without books we wouldn't have anything to carry around to make us look smart or brag about to stupid people, libraries would be extraneous government buildings, and there'd be no vampire/werewolf craze.
The ability to grow facial hair, notably a mustache if I so choose to.
The Bruins are kicking ass and everyone knows it.
You, notably for reading this nonsense. (Note, I don't know how wonderful you actually are, but on a scale to 1-10, give yourself at least a 6, unless you're just awful, then start with a 3...)
Dogs, some cats, and most farm animals
Various kitchen appliances (blenders, soda machines, waffle makers, etc.), sippy cups, and new angry bird levels!
Friends, family, and B!
Nick Does Hanukkah: While the finer points of culture may not interest me, let me start out by at least pointing out that my guess for what Hanukkah is about was not "when Jesus lit candles for 8 days...". (Also, I still would like to argue that when you fly to the west coast, flying over the north pole is not the fastest way. Maybe if you're flying to Russia or China, but not California.) Nonetheless I was allowed to participate in roommate Hanukkah night, even though I like to pronounce the holiday with a C, as in chanukkah. While I refrained from live tweeting the event on the interwebs, I made no promises about keeping this festival of light to myself. Here are some highlights from a Ginger's Jewish Holiday Adventure:
mmmm, Latki
Despite my best efforts, my attempt at repeating the Hebrew lines when lighting the menorah definitely came out as word vomit
Potato latkis (I don't have a clue how to spell that) and applesauce are the shit (good shit, not actual bad shit (that's gross, get your head out of the gutter))
There is now a shake weight in our apartment, which means this year's New Years Resolution=get fantastic looking arms guns while looking ridiculous.
I managed to win the high-stakes dreidel match and not knock over the lit menorah at the same time, I make it rain chocolate money!
Manischewitz is an alcoholic juice box that may cause diabetes
Movie Review of the Week:MacGruber- Let me emphasize that you should only see this movie if you like laughing at movies because they're super awful or have an IQ lower than 80 (we're talking Forrest Gump level). The way I look at it is I spent an hour and a half with Juan and some buffalo wings enduring this waterboarding of a viewing experience to be able to tell you that I'm not entirely sure how this was released to theaters or promoted by major film/distribution companies. The SNL skits with the song and explosions and only 2 minutes long=great; feature length film=doesn't really work. Highlights include an upper decking joke and.... that's about it? Also, don't choose the unrated version unless you really like grunting sex scenes... None of this can take away from the fact that I still enjoy yelling MacGruber song occasionally. Rating: No claps and two Mike Ditka's "STOP IT!"
This Week in Bear News:A Ford Mustang and a black bear played a game of chicken in Alabama the other night... the Mustang cheated and murdered the bear. All I can say is at least the bear died American? In other bear news, the numbers are in for bear hunting results in New Hampshire, and the number of bears "harvested" or "managed" is down 44% from previous years, meaning the bears are getting smarter, watch out New Hampshire. These hunters went out there not to hunt bears, but to "manage" them. The old "you can't stop them, you can only hope to contain them" tactic. Dubiously, results were not posted of the number of hunters killed by bears (biased much liberal media?) which I estimate to be at least 25.
Bad Cat Update: On my trip to Denver in October, I met a cat named Bad Cat. I recently was told of Bad Cat's latest exploits that I thought were worth sharing, which I will frame in hypotheticals (I apologize if I get this wrong or butcher it, I got the story through a game of telephone, literally through telephones...):
Bad Cat in her natural hiding spot
Imagine you're famished and need nourishment right away! The only thing you have to eat are hot dogs. You cook up said hot dogs and having no buns to eat them in, you put them in a bowl and cut them up, 4 year-old style, and douse them with ketchup. Upon inhaling half of your cuisine, you immediately fall into a deep, hot dog induced slumber. Later you awake to find your roommate furious with you. Why, you may ask? Because Bad Cat, finding you asleep, had a feast, chowing down on the delicious hot dogs, and upon needing a drink from its water mug (Bad Cat exclusively drinks water from a mug, true story), scurried around the house leaving paw imprints of ketchup everywhere.
My theory is that Bad Cat tainted the hot dogs with some type of sedative and left the paw prints in ketchup (most blood like condiment available) to intimidate the dog. But that's just my theory, I'm no cat crime detective, I can't actually prove anything... but that's how Bad Cat planned it.
It's that time of year again, public places, notably the area surrounding my office, are littered with the lights, the decorations, and the trees. Welcome to December in Boston. If its gonna get dark before 5 then why not just put lights up everywhere? It works for me. Due to my fascination with lists and whatnot, here are Things that may or may not work for me during the holiday season (I'll let you guess which way I feel about them) *Disclaimer*I'm about to try to use a lot of Hebrew/Jewish words, most of which, neither I or my computer's spell check has the ability to spell correctly. So, please no throwing of the menorahs (or shmuti's Craig!)... :
going to the park at lunch to watch people fall on their ass while ice skating at Frog Pond
carolers (who the f is Carol anyways?) essentially blocking off a busy city sidewalk, so I have to cross the street if I want to keep walking and not stop when its cold
too many ugly sweater parties, not enough high stakes dreidle tournaments
glitter glue
glitter gluing the mail
Harry Potter passed off a "Christmas" movie (why hasn't ABC Family produced some type of Chanukah themed Air Bud movie yet?)
Holiday-Work parties involving breakfast meats
This week's movie review: 2012- I saw this movie on the random movie channel we get that's not cable, but not fancy premium cable (i.e.-HBO) so I didn't have much invested in watching. This movie had two things to keep me watching, the obvious premise of an apocalypse movie where the human race gets wiped out and the subsequent special effects of said human race being wiped out. Jesse and I spent wasted the first three-quarters on a hour betting on "_% of the population dying in the next 15 minutes of this movie" bets, until we realized this movie was developing much slower than expected and Jesse went to bed. Alone, I was left with the dilemma of following John Cusack on his quest to survive or finding something better to watch (like Kung Fu Panda, one of the finest works of art of our generation). I sat through multiple dramatic plane take-offs with the world blowing up behind the plane and other apocalyptic special effects (tidal waves, volcanoes, Danny Glover, earthquakes...) all because I just had to find out how the f-ing thing ends! Well 165 minutes later, I found out, and what did I learn?-Jesse spent his time better I did. Rating= 1/2 claps and a giggle for all the explosions and a "I've worked toooooo hard!" for everything else.
Sports Talk!: The NBA is back (cricket...cricket...). I find myself shockingly interested in all the transactions going on, should I be embarrassed? If lock-outs (like the NFL had last summer, and the NBA now) mean 2 weeks of free agency/trade pandemonium, I kinda like it. I'd like to bid farewell to Big Baby, who has left the Celtics, I will miss your ability to take charges, cry on the bench, and make Bobby feel all warm inside. I don't have a clue about making any predictions (other than the NBA having another lock-out within two decades) but let's remember, nobody tries until the playoffs anyways.
Crazy Land Lady update: Not to jinx anything but she is supposed to leave for London this month, which means we might be able to throw an actual house warming party soon (does 7 months late make it a house cooling party?)
This week in Bear News: A "rogue black bear" caught a ride into Vancouver on top of a garbage truck. Great, the bears are learning how to commute, just hide in the dumpster and then pop out later in the city so you can just eat oodles of people. (Also, good job Vancouver, why don't you just bus in some bears to bolster the Occupy movements, maybe have another riot?)
Hello December. Good bye outings to public places on the weekend where people aren't either crazy bargain shopping cyborgs, cattle-like herds of holiday-festive spectators, or someone #occupy-ing something.... sorry, I went to the mall this weekend and forgot that its a mad-house, but that's my fault. But here are some other things that may or may not be my fault:
This Week in Bear News:
The bears have aligned with Batman, so we're all screwed? (thanks Tommy for the pic)
Also, apparently (like the song "going on a bear hunt" I was taught at summer camp) the state of New Jersey actually holds a bear hunt every few years to keep the black bear population away from their competing species in the food chain, the Guido in check. The issue here is the irrational people who have choose to protest the hunt at a bear weighing station because to them, killing bears is wrong. The obvious solution here is the bear hunt protesters need to offer up their own children as bear food for the winter, then the bears will be satiated for their hibernation and we don't need to hunt them (unless the bears get guns, then it'll be the Great Bear War of 1826 all over again...)
In other Bear News, the Boston Bruins have been mauling the NHL this past month. Here's where I would break into an unrestrained and immodest description of Tim Thomas's mustache, which I will keep it to myself, for now...(coming soon: Nick's Favorite Mustaches in History) Go Bruins!
Fantasy/Drinking Game of the Week:
It's no battle shots, but over the Thanksgiving Weekend I came up with this dandy to go along with the Dog Show NBC airs on Thanksgiving Day after the parade is over. Basically what you do is hold a draft before the show starts where everyone picks a "team" of breeds of dogs. Each team has 6-10 dogs on it, and when the dogs show up in the broadcast you get points/drinks. If your breed wins its group or the whole show that's even more points. Its pretty simple but you can make up other rules to go along (Social-if the dog resembles its handler). We DVR'ed it so we could watch at our leisure a few days later, and no, I didn't pick any winners (no thanks to the French Bulldog or Norwegian Elkhound, who left the Irish Wolfhound and Great Dane to get all my points), but watch out Westminster Dog Show, you might have a few more viewers this year! Here's a snap shot of a part of our big board:
Nick's Movie Review(s) of the Week:
Cameron Crowe's documentary Pearl Jam Twenty, which was about twenty Pearl Whales... no?Nope, that's not it is it. Huh? Definitely not about whales? That makes sense, I do not recall any whales in this movie. (Boo whale humor) Sorry, actually this was well-done documentary that was shown on the PBS about the band associated with the grunge and flannel. Probably the most entertaining thing I've seen on PBS since I was 6. I'm no Pearl Jam super-fan (like one of my roommates in college) but its really interesting to learn and actually see footage of the early days of the band (also when I was 6) and to see where and what they've come from. Rating: 6 claps and 1 top-gun high five.
I also saw The Muppets which had a lot going on (no whales either). Jason Segal refrained from showing his dong, the muppets actually showed up for the first time since their prime, and there were just heaps of celebrity cameos. Ask me what the best of the movie was, and I can easily say it was the chicken-only rendition of C-Lo's "F**k You", only in chicken clucks. If you like the muppets or are a child who is not too school for cool, this movie is for you, otherwise its as Mark-E-Mark put it in The Departed, "Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself!" Rating: 4 claps plus a B-
Now for a new section, I'm calling: "Thank You's, You're Welcome & I'm Sorry"
I'm sorry: stranger behind me in line at the bagel store who was not happy that I got the last sesame bagel (lock it up and just pick something else, although I would give up the bagel for a draft pick and coffee consideration?)
Thank you: Tim Tebow for sharing your witch-magic on the football field with all of us...
Your welcome: everyone everywhere. Since my trip to Denver during the Broncos' bye-week in October, Tebow was named the starter and is now 6-1. Coincidence? Prolly not, I did ask nicely where John Elway was so I could tell him about Tebow's miraculous powers, so yeah, I think I did this... (If other professional sports franchises are willing to fly me out, my services are available... coughIndianaPacerscough)
Thank you (but I'm sorry I had to watch?): lesbian couple on the train during the evening commute last week who couldn't wait to get off the train to fervently make-out. After a long day at the office, there's no better way to wind down than being trapped in an enclosed setting with a couple vigorously & aggressively trying to engulf each other's faces with their mouths. (This goes for any couple, gay or straight, but I guess making-out on the subway next lawyers and stock traders in suits is just some people's thing? Also, remember to stretch if you're going to get after it as ardently as this couple, don't wanna pull those face muscles mid-make out session...)
I'm sorry: crazy-eyed all white cat that wanted to play on the sidewalk at 8pm last week, but I have a policy of ignoring crazy-eyed all white cats that approach strangers while meowing alarmingly loudly when its dark and cold you might be trying to cat-murderme...
Thank you: stupid-fucking cat (the you-tube video)!
And I will conclude with two WTF's/really?...
NBC, who watches the show Whitney? I don't, I don't know anyone who admits they do, so who are these mysterious viewers? I guess there are people who do watch, and that's alright, I don't have to like or agree with everything that everyone else likes or wastes their time doing. But I guess I'm just bitter that Community is getting to boot to the "TV line-up bench" and Whitney still gets the "start". At least you realized Outsourced was a piece of sh** after a few months...... but hey, you're NBC, you're allowed obligated to make terrible programming decisions.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Madonna as Super Bowl Halftime show, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
