An Ode to March's Athletically-Induced Mental Maladies

An Ode to March's Athletically-Induced Mental Maladies:
As March comes to a close, the madness subsiding, your bracket busted and your ego bruised, we take stock of how many hours we wasted picking, where guessing at random or flipping a coin may have served you better, who can jump higher or shoot a basketball or straight up cheat their way to victory.  My guessing skills would've been better spent picking teams based on how their mascot would fare in a fight against an angry mother grizzly bear, alas, my bracket was indeed busted, but the madness continued.  Juan picked all the high seeds, Big Brown picked all the religious schools, but Natty was the smartest, he didn't pick at all.  I was fortunate enough to watch the 15-seed Mountain Hawks kicked the chair out from under Duke along side a Lehigh graduate, which was followed by shots and jump start to St. Patrick's Day weekend.  Baylor's jerseys hurt my corneas real good, Charles Barkley hurt my ears real bad (but I could watch him play golf all day...), and my debts have amounted to $5 to the office pool, 1 girly cocktail to a friend, and a balance due of a fraction of a brunch that must contain at least 2 breakfast meats to qualify.  Yet as the final weekend of the delirium of b-ball approaches, I cannot escape the madness.  Unbeknownst to me at the time of booking, my spring vacation brings us through New Orleans, the site of the culmination of my poor bracket choices, so as to wipe the misfortune of UNC's point guards broken wrist in my face one last time as a Kansas fan will undoubtedly puke all over my new shoes (their pumps, nbd, ninja turtle colors, Michelangelo duh!).  So as the hoops comes to a close this weekend, I will be on a boat ship, somewhere on the body of water that BP treats like their own toilet bowl, happily ignoring the conclusion to tournament that has taken so much attention and brainpower.  And when I awake on the Tuesday morning after the final game, I will be still stuck in my own madness, enduring a trip to Mexico and back in the burrito deficient reality I have committed myself to until Easter.

This Week's Movie Review: I asked Juan how much I would have to pay him to go see Wrath of the Titans and write a review... he was out of my price range.  Instead the most recent movie I've seen is Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris.  It was nominated for an Oscar, but didn't win, and I did my best to not get lost once Woody tried to get weird.  I choose to believe it was the sequel to Wedding Crashers, where Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams go to Paris then shit gets awkward and weird. Its not a bad movie by any means, but if I think if you like Woody Allen then this is your wheelhouse.  All I took away was Ernest Hemingway was a man's man and French ladies like Owen Wilson's crooked nose. Rating: 3 hand claps and a sleeping beauty sticker (B slept through 80% of this one)!

This Week in Bear News:  A bear expert says that 98% of people walk away from bear encounters who use bear spray, where as only 56% walk away unharmed when they use guns.  So bear spray is like pepper spray but stronger and can be sprayed farther.  Breaking news: apparently bear's don't like cayenne pepper in their eyes.  I don't know but to me it sounds like the bears have gotten to the bear expert, he can't be trusted.... pepper spray vs. gun?  If you can't hit a bear shooting a gun, then why are you hunting bears people?  Also, the bears are obviously resolved to kill the person with the gun and take it for themselves, duh!  Do you think a bear wants your stupid pepper spray, nope.  Lets just hope the bears don't get gun licences through this corrupted bear expert or we're all screwed.

Olympic Countdown: 121 Days
Today's Pre-Olympic Betting Odds: Over/Under # of USA Gold Medals~ 34.5

Foreign Policy and Bears

Happy Friday everybody, lots of important, intellectually challenging issues to sort through today.


Foreign Policy Discussion:  I was recently informed by my good friend from college, I'll refer to him Hiphopanonymous (so he/she (gender confusion, I'm so tricky Philpott! Oopps, oh shit.....) doesn't get Chinese finger trapped or waterboarded),  that this blog is not available to him in China, where he has been for work for a few months.  This raises the issue of this blog's foreign relations policy, specifically towards certain countries that may block interwebs and eat lots of ginger.  First, I support freedom (issue for further discussion, is freedom free? AMERICA!) and believe that people should be able to access the internets if they're not terrorists or mean to animals.  Second, as a ginger, people eating ginger makes me nervous.  I'm sorry, its just a thing I have.  But do Chinese even eat ginger?  How do I eat sushi?  This all just silly, so I will reach out to China to allow/unblock this blog, it's not as uppity as those facepages.  By my estimates the rural Chinese, 45-55, female demographic is my 3rd strongest audience, behind deaf-Australian-goat farmers-under-30 and former hosts of the Family Feud.  So China, open up your interwebs to this blog, then maybe you'd be hipper than North Korea?
Side-Bar: (Dear college that I graduated from, please don't take away my Poli-Sci minor for this past paragraph, thanks. Love, Nick, P.S.- fire our basketball coach, he's stupid and turrible)

Venting Rant of the week: For lent this year, I am attempting to give up Burritos.  Apparently for 40 days I'm subsituting delicious Mexican cuisine that has become a staple of my diet for crazy pills.  Various ramifications have to be decided, like at what point is a fajita not a burrito and what about the rest of Mexican food?  Breakfast burritos are gone, I can't really order anything at Anna's, Chipotle, or any other amazing burrito place that I would normally love without my endeavor of will-power coming into questions.  D-R-A-M-A.  Well, I don't know how long I'll last, but I'll do my best, but after Easter, I may eat only in burrito form for a week, updates to come (because I know you all care so, so much)...

Listing things Friday!: Cities I'd like to travel to-->North American Version!

1. New Orleans-->Fortunately for me, I (don't worry, Juan is coming too) finally be visiting the Crescent City at the end of this month before and after a cruise to Mexico (first cruise ever & first trip to Mexico), who's got suggested places to go/things to do/questionable decisions to make?
2. Las Vegas-->self-explanatory, stupid
3. San Francisco--> I hear good things, question for the San Fran natives: is it frowned upon to run around reenacting scenes from the super smash hit, The Rock?  (True story: receiving a somewhat racist hello from Thunder-Butt from San Fran makes me want to go more, is that kosher?)
4. San Diego--> I want to go that... the baddest Zoo around, nice weather? Is this even a question?
5. Montreal-->This one comes with rules, only in the summer and no hockey related events (trying to stay out of trouble) otherwise everything else is on the table
6. Chicago--> Never been to the midwest, thought Chicago would a jump off city
7. Detroit--> Hahaha, just kidding... (sorry Thunder-Butt, Laura, Eminem, and Kid Rock)
8. Vancouver-->same policy as Montreal
9. DC--> But only if I can go through Baltimore before or after to witness some magic...
10. Philadelphia--> They hammer people there and Ian's stories sound in need of investigatory journalism

This Week in Bear News: This video was brought to my attention (thank you T-Dawg), as it depicts a group of tourists rudely interrupting and harassing (fairly certain it was of the non-sexual persuasion) this Grizzly Bear, who was minding his own business but had to rep his turf.  That's right lady with the hood on, better respect this bear's street cred!

I'd also like to salute Wojtek of the 22nd Artillery Supply Company of the Polish II Corps who served during  WWII.  Wojtek was brown bear cub that adopted and listed as a private by the Polish unit, who's job was to haul ammunition around.  My speculation is that tf the bear had been given a gun and the freedom to form an all-bear unit, the war would've been over immideately and Poland would now be a world super-power.  (Thanks Juan for the tip-off)



Olympic Countdown: 146 Days to go.  And I just discovered the Modern pentathlon! Pistols, swords fighting, swimming, horse riding, and running is an actual event and exists?  The winner of this event should just be named bad-ass extraordinaire!
Today's Pre-Olympic Betting Odds: # of total medals China will win in Table Tennis +/- 4

Leap Day Nonsense

Today is February 29, Leap Day! After pondering what I would like to do with an extra February day I decided upon utilizing my superior interwebs research abilities and discovering what is leap day all about and to sort through important questions like:

1. Why is this extra day added on at the end of February and not some other month? ( those jerks, the Romans, did it with their calendar reforms. What were they thinking? They could've added a 32nd day in July, wtf!)
2. Does leap day count as real life? (leap day is day for questionable decisions that otherwise would be reprehensible, so they should not count toward the other boring days on the calendar, duh)
3. If you can't read on February 28, will you be literate on the 29? (obviously, it's science)
4. What's the deal with Europeans and marriage traditions on leap day?

As for question 4, it required some research.  Apparently in some places (by some places, I mean Ireland, crazytown, and Eastern Europe) women are encouraged to propose marriage to men on February 29.  Apparently if the man refuses he has pay the woman off or buy her a dress or 12 pairs of gloves.  This leads me to suspect a Leap Day phenomena of an increased instances of gold digging.  Great job Eastern Europe, lets help out ladies' rights by promoting marriage proposals as means for increasing woman's dress and glove collections.  Follow-up question, who needs 12 pairs of gloves (other than accessorizing furiously)?  Also, what about same sex couples, who is supposed to propose to whom on leap day?  Greece went the complete opposite direction here, saying its unlucky to marry on February 29 (a February wedding? ghastly, woof!).  I see what the Greek women did here, try to pull a fast one and eliminate the opportunity for all the Greek husbands to skip out on 75% of anniversaries.  In Greece's current financial state, couldn't they use a cut back on anniversary floral arrangement and jewelry?  Just saying....  And leap day birthdays (celebrity all-star crew of Taylor Twellman, Ja Rule, and Tony Robbins), don't even get me started (but how awesome would it be to have an actual excuse to act like a 7 year old when  you're 30?)....


Moving on, I recently took trip to Georgia to visit family, B came along for the trip, while it was not my first trip south, we definitely had some highlights:

• We found out what a +30,000 student state school is like when staying in Athens, which is legit college town, as this was the first time I actually stayed downtown (our suite was covered in bulldog/UGA decor).  Lots of cool bars, whole bunch of restaurants and from what I gathered an interesting music scene, not expected out of this trip but fun nonetheless.  UGA is huge, their football stadium is huger, and if you don't like bulldogs go f*** yourself!  Also saw the building where my parents first met, kinda sappy but thanks UGA Psychology Department?
• While visiting my grandparents, we were able to hear quite a few stories from back in the day (credit to B for her skills with the elderly and asking questions), including the gem about my grandfather getting kicked off the bus and walking 4 miles home for throwing the bus driver's broom out the bus window (explanation from my grandfather- "she was a grump")
• Food I ate=Grits, Sausage and Biscuits, Peach French Toast, BBQ, Brunswick stew, Chicken Mull, Country Ham, Sweet Potato candy pie casserole, and many more dishes not found readily in Massachusetts. I also gave into peer pressure and tried a burger with peanut butter on it, not terrible (I was told to go by the name of P.B. Sims).  I am quite certain that I would weigh at least 400lbs should I live in that state.
• I am fairly certain that Habersham County Georgia has a law restricting the number of eateries that can serve salad or non-fried vegetables.  I believe the county has only issued such 3 licences to various eateries.
• Have you seen a coyote carcass? (Those a-holes eat all the barn cats!)  Coyotes down there can get pretty big, almost looked like a wolf...
• Biggest highlight is finding long lost home video footage of my brother and myself from 1989.  Let's just say I wasn't the best at taking direction and my table manners leave a lot to be desired... (video footage hopefully coming soon...)

Oscars: Oscars, you disappoint me.  I like your Cirque du Soliel performance and Borat dumping ashes on Ryan Seacrest, but the I guess I didn't see enough movies this year to pick an Oscars pool correctly.  Also, next year, please note I prefer the motion pictures with the talking, the "talkies" I believe they are referred to.

Picture of cat and bear from 2006

This week in Bear News: A cat the chased a bear up a tree in 2006, was found murdered outside it's New Jersey home.  The suspect, the black bear from the 2006 incident, has been brought in for questioning, but has not been charged.


On a sad note, the co-author of the children's book bear propaganda, the Berenstain Bears, Jan Berenstain, passed away last week.





Countdown to the Olympics: 148 Days until the London Summer Olympics.  Olympic correspondent Royer and I will begin our preparations for covering the shenanigans and hooliganism of these meaningless and breathtaking displays of athleticism, heroism, and world dominance by Home Depot employees.
Today's Pre-Olympic betting odds: # of medals Finland will win for non-shooting events: +/- 1.5

FC Greenstorm as Dog Breeds

While watching the Westminster dog show the other night, which a pekingese won (wtf?), I was given the idea of comparing people to dog breeds. There's the old comparing how people look to dogs or what kind of dogs people themselves have or like, but while those may be a factor, I lean more towards the personality/behavior matching approach.  Now, what better way to offend my friends then assign them dog breeds, I hope to start a rousing debate and hurt many feelings, hopefully not all my own... I encourage comments and suggestions if my research proves inaccurate or utterly offensive.  So here, in no particular order are a few of my friends as dog breeds (if I didn't do you, I'll try to do add on or do more later, but this is scientific process and takes time)...

Jon-Afghan Hound : Too easy! Skinny and fast like a greyhound, but also described as cat-like when lounging around the house.  While the Afghan Hound was originally bred to hunt swift game like gazelle and shit in rugged terrain, Jon was bred to become the greatest big buck hunter around (have you seen the leader board of the our wii big buck hunter?).  And while he may not have the long pretty coat of the Afghan Hound, when he grows it out, Jon's can have a mighty old Jew-fro!  All dogs tend to fall in-love with Jon, so why wouldn't everyone fall in love with the regal Afghan Hound?


Laura- Labrador Retriever: I had a hard time with Laura, knowing she can do work (taxes, stupid!), but also likes the finer things in life, while being able to rock kick-ass day-drinking shoes for adventures!  Matching her multi-faceted lifestyle, in the end I had to revert to her beau at home, Ginny the Lab.  At heart, Ginny is a fashionista, loves w-a-l-k-s, is a connoisseur of all fine European deli meats, and adores Jon.   What more need I explain?



Kevin- Chihuahua Parson Russel Terrier: I forget if Kevin himself mentioned chihuahua, but my research turned up another small breed for this non-dog associating person.  This high energy dog will often find itself in the middle of an ordeal or mischief, sounds about right for Kevin who's always up for an adventure, to wander or explore.  Surely with frequent grooming this guy could resemble my Supercuts-regular roommate.  Both have active personalities and have dubious abilities to interact with cats and rodents, but are suprisingly good with horses???  (Note-Kevin, before you get excited, Wishbone was a Jack Russell Terrier, so no, this breed cannot read...)



Jesse- Boxer: I was very close to going with an Scottish Deerhound , but the personality of a Boxer is a well-suited match for for my tree house companion. Here's a list of words describing the Boxer: "playful, exuberant, inquisitive, attentive, demonstrative, devoted and outgoing."  Boxer's like to be active and run around, so does Jesse.  I think its a good match, but I could see an arguement for more scraggly looking dogs with goatees and beards, closer to the fedora-totting personality of Mr. Plate.





Becca- Pembroke Welsh Corgi: This one might be skewed, as I had my mind made up going into the process the B would a corgi.  I decided on the Pembroke Welsh type because they are small and very cute.  Short legs, good with children, fun-loving, amiable (to dog treats/people treats).  Sounds like a match to me!  Plus look at those ears, they can hear everything!


Royer- Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen: ROYER!!! I found you a best friend!  The PBGV likes to be merry, is inquisitive, always on the lookout for excitement and fun, and loves to explore.  If that doesn't sound like Royer, then I give up.  I couldn't find anything about the PBGV's scrapbooking abilities, but for a fact-finding mission we have a winner.  Altough the breed is French, and Royer is from Delaware, the PBGV surely appeals to Royer's global sensibilities and would be great in an art class or two...



Bobby- Bernese Mountain Dog- My research led me to Akita, but Robert Walter could be anything from a Pit Bull to Irish Wolfhound.  Bernese Mountain Dog is my choice because I can see Robert Walter pulling a wagon like I've seen this breed do.  Hardworking or easygoing, it don't matter.  The most fitting description I read was "calm family companion (that is, after it leaves its adolescent stage)".  I'm guessing that Bob can probably come up with a better example for himself, but at least my guess has him as a pretty dog.


Trisha- German Shepard: Sorry, I did zero research on this one.  T-Dawg definitely has to be a German Shepard in my opinion, with Charles (in-Charge) and Nika (half cold blooded killer) at home, there's just no argument against this breed coming to mind.  Again, as a dog professional, she may have a better idea, but somehow I think she may agree.  Plus I just wanted another excuse to post the picture of Charlie wearing a fedora!










Cory- German Shepard/Bearnese Mountain Dog Mix: Umm, if I have to explain this to you, you obviously don't know where babies come from!  I found this picture of a mix but it can't hold up against actual pictures of Cory!

Matty- German Shorthaired Pointer- My research turned up this awesome breed for Matty.  I don't have an clear explanation of how I got here, but I know that Matty likes this breed.  An athletic hunting dog, it corresponds well to Matty's abilities in the big buck hunter arena.  Also described as possibly too boisterous for small children, which for some reason resonated with Matty in my head (yelling at children, T-squad swim class maybe?)?





Samara- Goldendoodle-  One of the few suggestions I received before hand that stuck.  Smart like a poodle, friendly like a golden retriever, boom done! I know the hair colors don't match but who cares!  As much as I wanted to make Samara a Samoyed, that would be just silly!  Also a tough decision to not go with the dog who dresses up like David Wright outside Citi Field.




Craig- Boston Terrier: I'm just getting lazy now, but how can Craig not be a Boston Terrier?  In my mind he has become synonymous with the breed through Dolly.  "Well-mannered indoors but saucy and playful whenever the chance arises", all business until it's time to play.  Boston Terriers snore and wheeze, and Craig had his share of sinus issues a while back.  Either way, I'm not bothering to go against this one. 




Alex- Miniature Pinscher Schnauzer:  My research brought me to the Miniature Schnauzer, although Alex now has a Min Pin, TOBIAS!  I went away from the min pin and towards schnauzer due to more fitting descriptions such as "well-mannered house dog that also enjoys being in the middle of activities" and it enjoys children, that sounds more like Alex than "perpetual motion machine" and "scrappy with other dogs and may chase small animals".  I'm willing to hear an arguement to the contrary but until I see Alex chasing squrriels and downing caffeine pills, I will go with schnauzer.  Or could go Chow Chow?



Me- Redbone Coonhound:  I will explain in quotes I found-

• "A true American (breed)"
• "aren't clingy or in your face"
• "can become bored with formal training"
• "once the nose hits a scent they are oblivious to much else"

Solves mysteries with its nose, has red hair, hunts raccoon, tolerant of children, and could kick the shit out of a coyote.  That's me... right?

Some other quick hitters for you:

Ian- Portuguese Water Dog

Emwoods- Beagle

Anna- Komondor

Now I'm tired from my exhaustive research to do anymore, but let me know what you think.

Groundhog Day (versions 1.0 & 2.0), New Hampshire & Sports Talkings!

Question: Did I wake up this morning expecting it to be Thursday, February 2, 2012?--No, that's just stupid. I know how a calendar works genius.
Question: Did I wake up this morning hoping it would be Thursday, February 2, 2012 version 2.0?--YES!!!

Although my fantasy of experiencing Billy Murray's 1993 smash-hit Groundhog Day first-hand has been dashed (and no, I can't remember how that movie ends and will refuse to learn any morals whatsoever from that movie other than how curly Andie MacDowell's hair was), that doesn't mean I can't yell profanities at rodents on the TV every morning, as I did yesterday when Phil told me there was going to be more winter (although I'm fairly certain that winter hasn't even hit Boston yet, which I've totally just jinxed, you're welcome everybody) because I have put all my eggs in the basket of one specific groundhog in Pennsylvania controlling the weather for six weeks of the year which he then "tells" to a man wearing a top hat (who may or may no be a registered sex offender... what too much? Okay fine, he's not registered, we can only speculate what's on his creepy, creepy criminal record).  I'm pretty sure that's how the weather works,  it's science.  Every 6 weeks a different animal will tell us how hot its gonna be or if it's gonna rain real bad.  Let's just hope bears aren't given a month and a half to f*** around with the weather.  To investigate further I present my findings of...

Groundhog Day & Groundhog Day version 2.0 (Feb. 2 & 3) in History accordingly Nick (with help from Wikipedia):

• February 3, 1637- Netherlands goes into "Tulip Mania" after realizing that February 2 would not repeat over and over again, and their tulip bulb contracts had run out and the market collapses. Actual (no, not actual, stupid) quote from that day: "What's that? The tulip bulb prices has collapsed? Bless my clogs! MANIA!!!"
• February 3, 1690- Massachusetts issues the first paper money in America.  Too bad groundhogs can't predict when the pilgrims make it "rain" in the club church.
• February 3, 1834- My Alma Mater was founded as the Wake Forest Manual Labor Institute.  Available majors included Barn Construction, Cotton Gin Maintenance, General Hole Digging Studies, Fence Repair, and a revolutionary double major of Animal Husbandry and Tobacco Farming.
• February 2, 1848- The U.S. dictates to Mexico (makes Mexico sign and provide taco's for refreshment) the Treaty of Guadalupe to end the Mexican-American War and sparking the first USA chants in nearly 30 years and asserting unquestionably that you shouldn't mess with Texas.
• February 2, 1887- First modern Groundhog day is observed in PA, but according the tradition has other dubious roots: "ancient European weather lore, wherein a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator"... see!!! Sacred bears, setting us all up with weather lore, we're screwed.  What if the sacred bear wants winter in July?  What then, Bill Murray???
• February 2, 1913- Grand Central Terminal in NYC is opened, and one can only assume that the first hobo/drifter began panhandling soon after, followed shortly by various street performers and flash mobs.
• February 2, 1935- Liars everywhere find a need to "up their game" as the polygraph machine was first tested.
• February 2, 1971- Forest Whitaker became President of Uganda, for which he won an Oscar for in 2006.  Why the academy waited so long is beyond me...
• February 3, 1972- Iran, after ignoring the warnings various groundhogs and other rodents, is hit with a 7 day blizzard that dropped as much as 10 feet of snow over some villages.
• February 2, 1976- The Groundhog, fed up and bored of just predicting the end of winter, decided to mess with New England and Canada, and dropping the air pressure extremely low, destroying a lighthouse in New Brunswick.
• February 3, 1977- Groundhogs failed to prognosticate the utter-greatness and genius born on this day in the form of Puetro Rican reggaeton singer/rapper (that's right, double threat) Daddy Yankee.
• February 2 (every year)- It's Inventor's day in Thailand, so all you Thai people out there get those thinking caps on, time to invent!
• February 3 (every year)- Get excited, it's Setsubun, a bean-throwing festival celebrated in Japan to scare away the evil from the previous year before the start of spring!

Photo courtesy of Freshman Ski Team captain Emwoods

Nick Goes to NH:  Last weekend I was able to get away from the weekend, and by get away I mean drive due north for 2 hours, attach two planks of carbon-based material to me feet, and hurtle down a mountain somewhat not at all in control of where I was going/who I was going to hit.  In other words, I went skiing for the second time ever.  First off, ski boots are not comfortable (the wambulance is on its way).  For that reason I would contemplate trying snowboarding only because the boots look more comfortable.  Second, I'm probably the best 2-time skier ever, lets just say that if I went skiing on a regular basis, I would be going to the Olympics or could keep up with my friends or would be regular skier (and would still hate ski boots).   I didn't fall off the chair-lift or demolish any small children on the slopes, and I only fell over after stopping on the slopes, aka not "sticking the landing" (barrel roll and sliding into Matty).  Other highlights from the trip include the NH state liquor store in the rest area (FYI: strawberries in the moonshine jar don't taste like strawberries, just burning), pancake-bacon roll-up hybrid with a side of breakfast meats, and through a spontaneous high-stakes game of trivia, instigated by the hostess (holla at chu, Anna),  I learned that the Salvation Army's war cry is "Blood and Fire" (no joke, trivial pursuit circa 1981 was not lying).

In other news, I wish the Bruins got to groundhog day 2.0 last night's effort, as I attended the nonsense that was a 3-0 thrashing the hapless Hurricanes gave the B's.  Although the Canes may have the B's number this year, they can enjoy the golf course while the Bruins are in the playoffs.  That being said, Cam Ward, despite what another patron in Section 308 voraciously remarked, you are a fine goaltender and I'm sure your wife is lovely and not a whore at all.

This weekend also brings us the Super Bowl, and yes, I personally, as a Pats fan, am quite nervous as I don't think I can handle another dose of Eli Manning's confused face somehow winning the Lombardi Trophy for the second time.  That being said, I'm pumped for the Patriots, but refuse to go as far as Giselle in requesting thoughts and prayers for Tom Brady & co.  You can pray and think about whatever you want, people, just don't miss the puppy bowl on Animal Planet, as I'm sure it'll be barn burner.  My picks for the puppy bowl are Hunter the boxer and Brandy the Pit Bull/Collie mix.  As for the big football match, I like the Patriots to take down the Giants in a close one.  Here's hoping for a parade next week...

This week in Bear News: In an attempt to even the odds, Alaska's Board of Game has lifted the ban on aerial shooting of bears.  Now hunters too scared face bears in fair, evening the hunting competitive balance, can cowardly shoot at bears from the safety of an aircraft.  I expect this to spark an arms-race of sorts, ending with flying bears of all types leading to a bear revolution of sorts.  In conclusion, shame on you Alaska's Board of Game, don't realize what you're doing?!?!?! Remember, the sacred bear can make it winter forever...

My Blog's State of the Union, 2012!

It's 2012 and I haven't lost internet/blog/life privileges.... yet.  I've had a good old time and hope to progress and mature mess around on the internet some more, hopefully for your enjoyment.  Have I provided what I set out to do? If you look I said I would have in the first post:

1. News- Uh, ya, this week in bear news.  Is it always real news or even remotely coherent. Yes?
2. Diary- I believe I stated that I wouldn't make this an exact copy of the diary I keep at home, under my pillow, so success!
3. Commentary- I've been known to comment from time to time.
4. Topics- This is the wheelhouse of the blog!  

See 4 for 4.  Boom, Mission Accomplished!  I took this chance to look back at some of the emotions this blog has evoked in me:

• Surprise?-Maybe
• Disappointment?-Indubitably!
• Bewilderment?-Yup, but only cuz it sounds like your in the wild and the bears are drawn to it
• Hostility?-Always (see Bad Cat articles)
• Despair?-Only if you can't read
• Vengeance?-of course silly, but don't talk about me behind my back!
• Warmheartedness?-absolutely not
• Lust?-sure, lust for big words!

Are those all emotions?  I think so, but who cares.  So some features have been a success, some not so much.  Looking back at all my hockey predictions from October, I missed a few (didn't call the Canucks bitches or didn't see the Senators winning more than 20 games) and nailed a few (Bruins and Rangers smashing people or Blue Jackets are the worst), but I'll wait and see how many playoff teams I get right when the time comes. Are there some features I want to try again?... Yes (hello this day in history via Wikipedia/my interpretations)!  Other ideas: What's the methodology of making smoothies when the power goes out?  Do alcoholic-milkshakes really scare 80% and give them the willys?  How far can I run when it's below 35 degrees and I'm wearing all black (murdered out)?  These issues, a bunch of lists, and much more to come!  Who knows, maybe I'll recruit some other writers to contribute (cough, RoyerOlympicCorrespondendant, cough) So as for the state of the union of irrelevant internet blogs, that is based heavily on bears and other non-relatable items, I will go with: I awkwardly acknowledge the existence of dinosaurs, but will not make eye contact or pay for your dinner Alex Trebek!

Other Things:
This weekend I plan to go skiing for the second time ever.  I'm pretty awesome on the slopes, so watch out X-games/olympics, I'll see you in 45 years.  I'm looking to go off some sweet jumps, whether deliberate or not, maybe brush up my pizza-ing, and hopefully avoid being run off the mountain by 7 year-olds.  From experience I've found opening my eyes and aiming for everything but trees to be a good strategy for taking on the mountains, but those chair lifts can be nerve racking, with all the people waiting around, you definitely don't want to be the guy face planting as your supposed to be getting on the chair/ski-lift.

The Bruins made it to the All-Star break, although a bit tired after an up and down stretch of games.  After murdering the league for most of November and December, the Bruins look good heading forward (I will ignore Tim Thomas's political stances mainly because I don't care!).  Their big bad reputation seems to be growing, meaning more suspensions and other teams baiting them into douchebaggery, but I'm excited to see how well this team keep their composure and just hammer people like I know they can!

This Week in Bear News!: An endangered Louisiana Black Bear named Kris from Tennessee, who was recently released from a recovery center,  was murdered by a man in Mississippi.  The motive for murdering an endangered bear fresh out of rehab is unclear to investigators, but clear to me are several key things:

1. States Rights! This bear was crossing too many state lines
2. People in Mississippi like shooting things, bears include in the categories of things
3. The bear was listed at 200 lbs., I'm assuming that's under weight, but that leads to another question, is there a trend of anorexic bear murders?
4. Out of all the endangered species, which one do you think hunters would like to hunt the most?  Probably not an skinny bear that just vagabonds around the south, right?  

Facial Hair, Stupid TV, and Bears to end 2011

Nick's Favorite Mustaches and Facial Hair: In no coherent order are some of my favorite examples of testosterone fueled works of arts on peoples' faces from history, real life, and sports!

1.) William Howard Taft- The 27th President of these United States had a nice mustache going on.  Apparently in 1909, having giant caterpillar above your mouth was the only way to tell the rest of the world how its gonna be...("oh hey there Europe, back the f*** up, this is America!"-Taft on foreign policy)  Lets face it, he's only on here because he got stuck in a bathtub... but nice mustache anyways Mr. President.

2.) Daniel Plainview- aka Daniel Day Lewis in the super smash hit/Juan's favorite movie There Will be Blood. He states it nice and plain, "I drink your milkshake!", which I'm fairly sure is where he finds all the calories to grow that wondrous, Oscar award winning 'tache.  (Also, don't be thick with him or he'll murder you with bowling equipment...)

3.) Ambrose Burnside- He was a general for the Union army during the Civil War perhaps best known for lending his name to the facial styling known as side burns.  Besides having epic facial hair, he was an awful general, losing a couple big battles during the war, and went on to disgrace his facial hair further by becoming Governor of Rhode Island (sorry Rhode Island, it just seems like you don't need a Governor, you could prolly just run yourself (all 20 16 of you)...) and was the first president of the NRA.  Nevertheless, if I've learned anything, its that starting a new facial hair style is the best possible career choice, even if your terrible at your jobs, no one can deny your awesome side burns.

4.) Mike Commodore- Commodore is professional hockey player in the NHL, a defenseman, currently on the Red Wings (although I'm not sure how much he actually plays) but anyways, finally, a ginger made the list!  Of course hockey players had to be represented, look at that ginger beard, amazing!  Along with growing an epic playoff beard and fro, he won the Cup back in 2007 with the Carolina Hurricanes.  Hockey playoff beards are just the best.  You'll get guys who shouldn't and can't grow proper facial hair trying their best (for example Tyler Seguin) to blend in with the most manliest teammates (i.e. Chara or Timmy), and all this when its May and June, the last time of year you would rationally want a mountain man beard.

5.) Brett Keisel- Speaking of mountain man beards, this Steelers Defensive-End has the right idea.  During those cold snowy Pittsburgh winters, while other guys a freezing their faces off, he's got blanket for his chin and neck.  Well played sir, I'd like to see Tom Brady try to grow one of these puppies...

6.) Chia Hui Liu (guy from Kill Bill movie?)- One word: diversity!  Is this a real beard, prolly not, but is this guy a kung fu boss?  Yup!  If we're having a karate tournament in the garage, this guy is in charge! *Bonus points for epic eyebrows*

7.) Wyatt Earp- Don't like this mustache? Too bad, cuz he'll shoot you in the face!

8.) Ron Swanson- No explanation necessary, to do so would be un-American and would likely involve too much government.

Stupid Shit Nick Saw on TV Last Night:
1.)Toddlers & Tiara's-- Why I was watching this is indefensible, I should turn in my man card right away.  When its not  your TV you can't just take over the remote and be an ass (well you can, but then your an ass), so in between watching the Bruins (1st place in the east btw, suck it Montreal!) I witnessed the most unsightly television program ever.  This shit is scary, its a train wreck and you can't look away.  These little girls, who for the most part seem to enjoy the pageant-type setting, aren't the problem, its the parents and other crazy people who think this is a good idea.  I know its be around for a little while but seeing it for myself was just terrible.  TLC obviously found that putting these crazy people on TV means ratings, what's new?  Besides the one mom I saw that had the "I'm gonna murder people if my daughter doesn't win"-type deal going on I didn't really care.  But the worst was the 45 year old man telling me how he does his "judging" of little girls, aged 4 months-10 years old, dressed to look 3 times their age, creepiest guy I've seen in a long time.  (It's Always Sunny's Frank's Little Beauties episode anyone?) How do you even get into judging pageants as a dude? (not asking so I can do it, I promise)


2.) This Sleepy's commercial.  Watch it on mute and add my commentary, but don't actually watch it regularly because that would be the dumbest thing you could do.  Here's my frame by frame (in seconds, stupid) analysis of what this mattress will do for you:

• We'll get you prego on our mattresses! (seconds 0-3)
• Perfect for getting up in your baby's grill! (4-7)
• Great for naps with the neighborhood dog or strays (8-10)
• Awesome for misbehaving or terrorizing the babysitter by repeatedly jumping on the bed (also good for reaching ceiling fans with your face) (10-12)
• Nice for getting nail polish everywhere and talking about people behind their backs! (13-15)
• Fits most mail-order brides perfectly! (15-16)
• Amazing for waiting for the Viagra/Cialis to kick in, and then putting that Viagra/Cialis to good work! (17-22)

This Week in Bear News: This week I am purposely ignoring the news about polar bears in foreign zoo's, because that's just racists, why does no one talk about the other colored bears in foreign zoo's?  Anyways, the Walt Disney Corporation has made a grant to feed bears in the Appalachian Bear Rescue program for wayward bears in the Smoky Mountain National Park.  What they are rescued from, I don't know but I'm guessing it's not Harry from Harry and the Henderson's. I remain suspicious of what old Walt Disney is up to, as Disney's bear track record is questionable at best, with a list that includes the 2003 bear murder documentary Brother Bear and the misrepresentation of sinister bears in the 1981 horror movie The Fox and the Hound.

That's all for 2011, happy new years everybody!